Time is Money

When I'm working I have less time. I'm tired so I don't have energy to throw into other things. I spend more money to save time and energy.

When I'm not working time is on my side. I sleep more, so I store up needed energy to do things like carry 11 lbs. of cat food a mile and take the subway home at 4 in the morning. To shop at Trader Joe's instead of Nam's, my favorite bodega. To build a desk instead of buying one. Modifying existing clothing is much more fun than shopping for cute-but-expensive things to wear when I go out, and mending belly dance costumes gives me a sense of accomplishment I don't get from purchasing new items. Running is way more awesome than going out to eat at places I can't afford, and cooking at home has become a luxury anyway.

I can't wait until laundry day! The Sound Scientist and I have a date to fluff 'n fold together!


kyle the girl
(on the Subway)

Ummm.

This weekend was weird.

GOOD weird.

Just...real weird.

Heartwarmer and I have definitely decided to stay in our cheap, big apartment in Crown Heights. We're gonna try and find another roommate and hopefully fix things up a little and make it more homelike. It's totally a good thing too. I'm so relieved - it's a financial relief, a stress relief, and I feel like maybe I can try to be a little more like Heartwarmer in the budgeting area and hopefully save some money. I'd really like to be able to afford living alone after she leaves for the Peace Corps next year.

I have about ten thousand million zillion things on my plate at work right now and I can't focus on any of it (clearly, since I'm blogging). I can't focus on anything. I'm just, like, this total flurry of excitement. There are lots of things going on - not the least of which is the dispute over my house - but I feel like I have it all under control. I think it's partially the relief of not moving, partially a lawyer who seems optimistic and supportive, and the usual epiphany of self worth that comes with realizing that something that had previously upset and confused me had nothing to do with me whatsoever.

In light of my recent depressive episode I can't help but wonder if it's a manic episode, but then I can't help but wonder if that's just me being nervous about my dad. I also think...um...*ahem* a...uh...recent rush of oxytocin is a major contributor to my cheerful outlook (please ignore the blushing). Either way, Salty's been harping at me to find a good therapist and she's absolutely right to do so - I just unfortunately have not had the time to follow up on a list of referrals I have - I'm too buried at work!

On that note...back to the grind...

What's goin' on.

-Desperate desire to figure out how to imbed music onto my blog! I've been trying to figure it out, but until I do, here's a YouTube video, 'cause I know how to do that.

-Mini-Vacay! The 4th-of-July weekend was crazy good. Thursday I went Bhangra Dancing with a bunch of friends for Mama Squirrel's birthday. I totally suck at it, but it was so much fun I want to keep going until I can manage a move or two! Friday was slightly less eventful in a good way, then Saturday I hopped in a rental car and drove off to Aunt Triangle's house in the middle of nowhere, Connecticut. A relaxing day was spent celebrating My dear little cousin's high school graduation and impending journey to India. Sunday I spent more time with the family and then motored down the highway a bit for an entertaining visit with Cheshire Cat and his parents at their home before he and I hit the road back to Brooklyn, bickering merrily over the radio the whole way.

-Apartment hunting! The Heartwarmer and I have been hitting the streets of Park Slope and Prospect Heights hard (meaning we've seen, like, four places). Results have been kind of awful, except for one very promising place across the street from a fire station and around the corner from a police precinct. Safety first!

-Body modification! Oh my God, I have a tattoo. I'm still kind of in shock and disbelief. Moms and sisters and aunties can heave a sigh of relief - you'll never see it unless I'm in dance costume, wearing a bikini or if I can't contain my excitement and I hike my shirt up to show you. And even my mother, harshest of tattoo judges, will be impressed. It's beautiful, and it's only an outline so far!

-Dancing! Bellydancers for BARC was a great show; I put lots of pictures up on my Flicker, if you're interested, check 'em out. Warning though, the lighting was terrible in there. Helicopter took all the photos, so they're mostly of yours truly, although there are a few choice images of lovely people like Thinky Face, Fellow Tortured Soul, Mama Squirrel...

Backlog

Reading through the last few posts I've had lots of reminders lately. That's good, 'cause I need them. I need lots of reminders to keep me focused, to keep my eyes on the prize (whatever it is - although I think I know). I've been having trouble with that staying focused thing. My brain is all in a tangly mess.

Actually, I am a tangly mess. But at least I recognize that, right?

Anyway, it's getting better. I'm developing some goals, which is essential. I like having things to work toward.

Let the awesomeness flow from within.

Someone smart said to me today, "Stuff is simple if you let it be. Smart people complicate things as an excuse not to act."

Without even knowing it, he boiled down the entire Miss Adventurous philosophy into a sentence and reminded me of who I am.

I'm a smart people. No reason to start complicating things now, right? Right.

Additionally, The Salty One referred me to this Article about Just-In-Time thinking as opposed to Just-In-Case. (It's good. Go read it.)

All this smacks of that whole John Kabat-Zinn Wherever You Go, There You Are sort of mindfulness. I read some of his stuff a little over a year ago, and I still find comfort in closing my eyes and whispering "This is it."

It's three different messages that all express the same thing: instead of worrying so much about what could be, I should really just focus on what is. I'm having a hard time with that right now, perhaps because the job I'm on isn't that awesome, and I'm really wishing to move up to something different, something more challenging. It's hard to stay in the moment when you're not happy in so many of your moments. I've been placing a lot of pressure on myself to make all my moments outside of the job happy to compensate for not being happy in the job, scheduling dates and runs and friend time instead of relaxing and letting things flow. In doing so I'm really just making myself even more miserable. When things just happen organically they always turn out much better than expected anyway.


Well today I give myself a clean slate. Simplicity is my mantra for the week-month-year-life-whatever. Today I will quit putting so much pressure on myself to force awesomeness and just let the awesomeness flow from within.

Today I'm takin' it back...back to when I first got here, before I had my career, before I had any real solid friends, before I had superbly awkward moments in the back of taxicabs, back when I had no complaints because I was experiencing my life as my own for the very first time. Back then I had only three things that made me happy: running, dancing, and tooling around New York with love in my heart and a fool's grin on my face. And that's exactly what I plan to do today.

The new Big Idea.

Lately my brain is very compartmentalized. Here are the compartments:

Work (by default, since I do so much of it)

Boys (all you need to know is there was some asshole and now he's not around anymore)

Being skinny (this is really a fascination with a matter of fact more than a weight loss obsession. I'm thinner than I've ever been in my adult life, and it's kind of weird!)

Paying down the seriously intense credit card debt from my last stint of unemployment

How I have totally plateaued with belly dance; I need some private lessons with Mama Squirrel so I can step up my game a little.

And my latest Big Idea.


What is that, you ask?

Well, I'll tell ya....but first I'm gonna let the suspense build. Watch me point and laugh as you scratch your head. Then watch me scowl as you shrug and look elsewhere in disinterest.

Thinking of You

I got an email from my grandma today.

I am watching a rat on the subway track.

It is almost my sister's first anniversary.

The four train is running on the two track in Brooklyn.

I got a used bicycle a week ago in Park Slope and have a crush on the guy from the bike shop where I got it tuned up.

I still have not done anything about my house.

I have booked a flight to Cleveland for Thanksgiving.

I am frustrated by my current job, a tv show that lasts until March.

I am so proud of my mother and sister and grandmother and The Sound Scientist and Empathetics and everyone else I know who campaigned for Barack Obama.

I have hope that Helicopter Ballerina will come home safe from Iraq in April.

I found a new pair of grey and white striped elbow-length fingerless gloves. I still have the lone glove left over from the last pair.

My cats are in love with my roommates, who spend more time with them than I do, but they still love me best.

I still think about the Producer sometimes but no longer with disappointment or scorn.

I have a brunch club, to which you are always cordially invited.

The Sound Scientist is one of my favorite friends but he's in worse denial than my mom.

My dad is still with me every day, and I still cry when I think about how much I miss him. I am afraid that my mother is not as okay as she'd like me to believe.

Peanut is coming any day now and I have finally realized that I am very probably going to miss the most important event in our little family's existence.

I still feel lonely every day I'm not with a friend. I think sometimes I drive my friends crazy because I never stop going.

Now I am sitting on the four train going to Bergen Street. I parked the production van on St. Mark's, but I'm not sure why. I got it towed a couple weeks ago in Queens but my coordinator laughed it off.


kyle the girl
(on iPhone)