It's back.

It's been a long time.  Okay, not so long since the last time, but before that a REALLY long time.

It's been good.  Things have been up and down and all around...but mostly good...until now.

Now It's back. That old weight on my shoulders. That old feeling of wading through Jell-O. The dull ache in the back of the brain that whispers to me that I shouldn't be here, that I should be gone, that I should have gone away long ago.

I know I'm here for something though. I know I'm good, and that this is all about how much I care for people and try to make them happy and make sure they're okay.  Nobody tries very hard for me, it seems, not in the same way.

I'm depressed again.  There's an anchor reaching from my frontal lobe down into my gut.

I can't get work.  I've been picking up PA days here and there but I worked that camera job and then haven't worked in almost two months and things are getting scary...I'm getting that sinking feeling that maybe I'll never be able to get work.  Maybe I'm screwed.

I really dropped the ball with Local 600, missing the deadline for the test.  That smacks of self-sabotage if ever I heard.

I got really drunk last night.  I tried to leave the bar but my friend caught me, told me to come back.  There were tears - I wanted to go, I needed to go, but I couldn't explain why. I was stupid and went back in. I don't even remember what else happened at the bar... When I left the second time I had drunk more and was not okay. I could barely stand up. I didn't know where I was. I couldn't figure out my way home. I needed help and my pride made me refuse to ask.  Then all of a sudden I turned around and they were gone. Like vanished. I was alone, I was lost.  It was like a nightmare except not a dream.  I'm not entirely sure how I got home.

I feel like hell today.  It's not exactly a hangover.

In the Interest of Personal Accountability

I emailed the lawyer asking him about my payment options to get me out of the mortgage.

I emailed my favorite location manager asking him if he needed any assistants.

I started a new Pandora station based on the combination of The Smiths and The New York Dolls, which I have found extraordinarily motivational. Then I added in VNV Nation, The Pogues and My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult, which really enhanced the resulting mix.

I need a job.

...

Okay, okay, so I have three miles to run, a script to finish notes on for the nascent JM Movie, another short script to read, a room to clean...and I haven't eaten anything yet today... I'm getting on it, I swear. Getting up off my ass in five...four...three...

Time is Money

When I'm working I have less time. I'm tired so I don't have energy to throw into other things. I spend more money to save time and energy.

When I'm not working time is on my side. I sleep more, so I store up needed energy to do things like carry 11 lbs. of cat food a mile and take the subway home at 4 in the morning. To shop at Trader Joe's instead of Nam's, my favorite bodega. To build a desk instead of buying one. Modifying existing clothing is much more fun than shopping for cute-but-expensive things to wear when I go out, and mending belly dance costumes gives me a sense of accomplishment I don't get from purchasing new items. Running is way more awesome than going out to eat at places I can't afford, and cooking at home has become a luxury anyway.

I can't wait until laundry day! The Sound Scientist and I have a date to fluff 'n fold together!


kyle the girl
(on the Subway)

Economic Downturn

I got turned down for a staff job on a big shot movie, which is a little disheartening in my current state of financial crisis. And no, I'm not referring to the fiscal state of the Union; I'm referring to my own problems.

I'm in the midst of a battle: me vs. the evil temp agency, with the NY Department of Labor as mediator and judge. Long story short, this is all a mistake, but in the meantime I'm S.O.L. if I don't get at minimum five more days of work this month. I'm looking into alternatives, including craigslist, disposable odd jobs and other temp agencies, but I'm afraid to take on anything too long, or I'm going to have to bail like I did on my last temp assignment. I have to be available for production work. If I'm serious about changing departments I need all the days and experience I can get, which showed on my first day on a stage, this last Monday. Ouch. There were some serious oops moments.

But, like everyone always says, ya gotta start somewhere. And at least the office experience will make me a rock star someday when they finally let me do paperwork.

Anyway, my test for the DGATP is coming up a week from Saturday, and if I can bring it to the test and the interviews, this job won't matter anyway. And I did get a personal phone call with their decision to pass. And I did volunteer to help them when they need extra staff. And I did take the news well. So there's that.

But I can't help feeling like I want a consolation prize. Like maybe they could refer me to someone with a smaller job? I think I'll call and ask tomorrow. :)


kyle the girl
(on iPhone)

Ebb and Flow

For the last five weeks I was straight up unemployed. Living on the guv'ment dole. Not for lack of trying, of course....anyone I've worked on a movie with over the last year will tell you I've been hustling to find something. I keep hearing, "It'll come soon." and "I don't have anything either. I'll call you when I do." It's gotten so bad that I actually turned down some day player work for this horrible temp job.

Philosophy, on the other hand, is inundated with way too much work. She's been working over twelve hour days, seven days a week for the last three weeks. She's at the end of her rope. Luckily her show is about to be over and she'll get some time off.

Hopefully my next job will begin soon after that. Hopefully.

Win a free donut!

Funniest donut-related comment/email wins this fabulous prize! This Dunkin Donuts coupon was given to me by the heinous coworker at my current temp job. She thrust it upon me even after I told her three times I do not want a donut.

I'm miserable doing this ridiculous excuse for work, but at least I get to entertain myself with blogging and facebook while waiting for a movie job to open up.

If you win I'll send the coupon by mail. It does require that you buy a cup of coffee, but I'm trying to start an anti-Starbucks movement, so I'm happy to encourage you to purchase a cheaper, better cup from DD.

I know my little prize is kinda lame, but at least having a contest
for a donut is kind of funny. Please help me amuse myself during this trying time of having to do stupidly easy work to stay afloat during a phase of unemployment!

Miss Adventurous is doing fine. Except for the pleather dress she's missing.

Yay, I'm unemployed for a time. Fortunately I can collect unemployment, so I don't feel the need to panic or anything. I don't need to go work in PDF's tanning salon or find a table waiting gig or anything. I'll sustain just fine. Which absolutely does NOT mean I'll be resting on my laurels!

My plans are to write a bit, look for more work, get things done around the house... And also to do my own laundry for once!

Meanwhile my social life is doing just ducky and keeping me busy, which is mostly why I haven't written here much. I'm spending a lot of my time with my friends and less time dating, which is a very good thing. I'm tired of all that stuff and much happier hanging with people who aren't A) only interested in me if they think I'll have sex with them, B) intimidated by my brains and emotional intensity, C) turn me into some googly-eyed, lash-batting retard, or D) all of the above. I like to think that if I continue on this vein of quality friends over "making up for lost time" (which is totally a euphemism for being constantly on the prowl) I'll wind up having a lot more fun.

Also, I keep thinking of shutting down Miss Adventurous and moving to a new blog and a new (less emotionally intense) format. Or I guess what I would do is take Miss A private so I would still have a place to bitch about stuff. I know people read, I have more unique hits per day than ever. But my life has changed a lot since I showed up here in New York nine months ago and this super personal stuff could come up and bite me in the ass sometime. That threat has actually loomed a bit.

I'm thinking a lot about what I want to focus on though. What my next project will be. Miss A has gotten me through the tough part of relocating, but now I'm ready for something bigger and more focused. Something less intense, less diary-like. But what?

The thing I keep coming back to is relationships and sex. I'm terribly fascinated with those two things, relative to one another and also separated. I feel like I have some insight there. I feel like I have something to say about it. I don't know for sure though. I'm uncertain because my current personal situation is not what most would call "successful" in that particular arena, although I feel like rejecting my unhappiness in favor of a new life in pursuit of a new happiness is definitely a success. I'm single and I love the freedom. I'm happy without a partner. I'm irritated only by the social norms that say I oughtn't be happy when single or that my life is somehow incomplete without a man or woman to make it complete.

Also there is a girl wearing pleather skinny pants on the 4 train. She's falling asleep while standing and I can't help but wonder if her pleather pants aren't contributing to her sleepiness by cutting off oxygen to her lower abdomen.

Really I'm just jealous though and I wish I had the stones to wear pleather skinny pants. I'd be much better off in a pleather dress. I used to have a red pleather dress and it looked awesome on me. I wonder what happened to it?

It's probably in that f'ing storage facility in Texas.

Goddammit. That's just one more thing I lost out of this whole hurricane/breakup/getting-screwed-by-buying-a-house-with-someone-I-didn't-marry thing.