It's back.

It's been a long time.  Okay, not so long since the last time, but before that a REALLY long time.

It's been good.  Things have been up and down and all around...but mostly good...until now.

Now It's back. That old weight on my shoulders. That old feeling of wading through Jell-O. The dull ache in the back of the brain that whispers to me that I shouldn't be here, that I should be gone, that I should have gone away long ago.

I know I'm here for something though. I know I'm good, and that this is all about how much I care for people and try to make them happy and make sure they're okay.  Nobody tries very hard for me, it seems, not in the same way.

I'm depressed again.  There's an anchor reaching from my frontal lobe down into my gut.

I can't get work.  I've been picking up PA days here and there but I worked that camera job and then haven't worked in almost two months and things are getting scary...I'm getting that sinking feeling that maybe I'll never be able to get work.  Maybe I'm screwed.

I really dropped the ball with Local 600, missing the deadline for the test.  That smacks of self-sabotage if ever I heard.

I got really drunk last night.  I tried to leave the bar but my friend caught me, told me to come back.  There were tears - I wanted to go, I needed to go, but I couldn't explain why. I was stupid and went back in. I don't even remember what else happened at the bar... When I left the second time I had drunk more and was not okay. I could barely stand up. I didn't know where I was. I couldn't figure out my way home. I needed help and my pride made me refuse to ask.  Then all of a sudden I turned around and they were gone. Like vanished. I was alone, I was lost.  It was like a nightmare except not a dream.  I'm not entirely sure how I got home.

I feel like hell today.  It's not exactly a hangover.