Again? Not again...

I'm finally over him, and so he gets a name. I'm calling him Rocky because he's a boorish low-class Italian who moves toward a singular goal with little care or thought for anyone else and yet somehow remains a hero. It suits him.

Rocky and I are on relatively good terms. I mean, he no longer avoids and ignores me and I no longer want to make him cry so that's something. We've actually been laughing together a bit, and I don't think about him all the time. So my mind, my attention, has been free to wander.

Lo and behold it wandered to an electrician who I caught staring at me all the time on set. It wandered right to the deep, clear blue pools of his beautiful eyes and his pouty lips that make me want to kiss him until I can't breathe. And of course he has a girlfriend. Of course.

So how come he snuck this photo of me (and probably more) on set, sat on it for two weeks and then gave it to me?



Who puts that kind of thought into something when he has a girlfriend already?? And then he flirted with me all day in front of the other guys in his department. It was totally embarrassing. I was so nervous I could barely talk to him. Then he started texting me. It was flirty even after he mentioned he wasn't single.

And what IS it with me and unavailable dudes? This HAS to stop. And how come they all seem to think I'm perfect 'other woman' material? Is it a redhead thing? Do I dress too sexy? Am I not pretty enough to be arm candy for life? Is it my attitude? Am I too flirty or too brash? Too quick with a dirty joke? I don't wanna be the other woman, I wanna be the only woman!

More than that though, I wanna stop thinking about Him...the new one with no name. Except I know his name already...He's Danger.

I'm about to become a bad bad girl.

I've had it with being good. It gets me nowhere.

I'm working with No Name now and he and I are becoming better friends. It's helping me deal with the unrequited love thing since I get to talk to him about the ridiculous decisions he makes about women, I get to learn his work style and I get to see the lack of love in his eyes when he looks at me. It's tough cookies for me. I never had a chance. But I get a friend out of it. And that's no consolation prize; it's a bona fide win!

Anyway, I've been good for months and months, saying if someone isn't as good as him I don't want to bother but now, two tears in a bucket ... I'm ready to let it go. Frankly I need to get laid and I'm way past due to quit whining about how lonely I am for true love. Waah waah. So here we go. Enter Jezebel.

Maybe It's Not a Disease.

The drama with No Name continues. After work he sought me out to talk. We rode the Subway toward home together, with some of the boys from work in tow. They were all going out to party together but I had to work the next day on a commercial so I couldn't go. He told me he'd broken up with the girlfriend. I regret that I never did mention I had broken up with Columbia. He sat next to me and touched my hand a little and we talked a little about the script he's been working on. He told me about a job he has coming up, two months of work, and said he'd put me in for it.

I had an interview with the AD's on the job this week and I nailed it - I'm in. I'm going to see him for over two months straight. Every day.

I'm half nervous, half excited. There's a piece of me that believes he and I would be amazing together now that the timing is better, but there's also a big part that's concerned I'll wind up getting carried away and then disappointed. I was talking to Thinky Face last night about how getting romantically disappointed can really send you into a thick depression ... Lately it feels like things are even more precarious; instead of falling from a normal height and being able to pick yourself up it's more like you're falling off a roof. I mean, maybe it's not...but it seems like it hurts worse now when I sink into a depression.

What I really know is that I don't know anything. At one point I made a joke about him cheating on the girlfriend with me and he said no, he'd legitimately been on the outs with her every time he'd seen me. That's something. And I don't really know that he's been with other women in that time ... I have no reason to believe he does, it's really just a fear I have, thanks to the Producer shaking me violently into the reality of casual sex. I've assigned a lot of meaning to the things that happen with him without really knowing for sure what's going on. And I've been wrong to judge him based on fear and my own insecurity. I mean, I have to protect my feelings, sure ... but there's got to be a line I can ride between protecting myself and pushing people away.

Situations Like These

I'm working with No Name today. I love him the way Christians love Jesus. It's a disease.

In my pathetic-ness I asked the Magic 8 Ball on my phone if he and I would ever be together. It said, "Without a Doubt." Then I remembered I forgot to specify how. Then I remembered he cheats on his girlfriend with me (and most likely with other women) and I figured I probably didn't want him anyway in that case. Then I figured I don't really know anything about what he's like when he's not working or partying and shouldn't judge him. Then I figured my underdeveloped sense of self-worth would never allow me to accept him even if he DID want me, which he doesn't, at least not the parts of me that aren't erogenous zones.

Well I don't know, maybe he does. When he hires me he keeps me far away where we can't see each other, and when I do see him he greets me by wrapping his arms tight around me and crushing my body against him and smelling my hair all nonchalant. As if I don't notice. When I catch him looking at me--oh hell, why am I bothering?

He's not man enough to do something about the way he obviously feels even though he knows it's mutual. So I guess that he's not worthy of me--he doesn't even meet the most rudimentary criterion I have for a mate, which is wanting me more than anyone else. I wish knowing that were enough to make me let it go.

Well usually it is. But then we work together for a day or I see him at a party, and the hug with the hair-smelling squeezes the wind out of me. And it starts all over again.

Ugh. Stupid.

Vive le Résistance

Remember Him? That's with a capital H. The following is all true but a word of warning, it's the stuff of cheesy romance novels and daytime television.


I was with Him last night. It was a bad idea. I knew it at the time. It just sort of happened - one minute there was a whole group of people in His room and He and I were sitting there chatting and the next we were alone...talking about everything. Work, lives, friends, film, passion, reality. The tension built. He touched me. My arm first, then my hair. Then my lips. Then he tried to kiss me.

I resisted. I said no. I told Him I wasn't going to have sex with Him. He hugged me tight and said it would be okay, just to stay and sleep. As I drifted off, so warm and comfortable with Him, feeling sexy and wanted and alive and irresistible I thought of Columbia. I wished I felt this way with him, like I'm sitting on a rocket launch pad with someone I trust with my life. I thought it would be okay anyway, that we were past that and could just relax and sleep and then part ways... How naive we can be when we want things we can't have. I slept.

I woke up tangled up with Him in the blankets, His big hands all over me. I told Him I had to leave. He stopped me, pulled me close, rested my head on his chest. I told Him I like Him too much, that I need someone who will love me and take care of me and give me the appreciation I deserve. He said he can't even do that for himself. I told Him I have a boyfriend. He asked if my boyfriend was giving me what I need.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. I had to say no.

But I also had to follow up. I told Him I know He can't give me what I need either. I made my position abundantly clear and started lacing on my boots. He kept apologizing. He asked me softly if I was really going, to come back to Him and let Him hold me a minute. I shouldn't have but I did. He wrapped his arms around me and pressed his body against mine and then suddenly my mouth wouldn't shut up. I told Him how heartsick I felt over Him before. I told Him how I wished He could be the one for me. I told Him how I want to work for Him and learn from Him. How I just want to be His, any way I can.

Every time I told Him something new He'd wince and squeeze my hand or bury His face in my neck and inhale into my hair the way He does. Then I told Him about the electric shock every time I see Him. He lost it. He growled and kissed me hard. So hard. So passionate....with electricity and fireworks and plaintive need and blinding heat. The way Columbia never has. He is everything that Columbia is not, in good ways and in bad.

I kissed Him back. It felt so good to give in. Then He started tugging at my skirt. I said no. He forced me down, His hands still pawing at me. For a split second, terrified, I thought He might - but I whispered His name and I was free. I got back on my feet, determined to escape, unsure if I could say no another time.

I hurriedly gathered up my bag and my coat and dashed out, my mind racing and my heart heavy. I was proud I'd resisted as much as I had, but I knew I let it go too far. I know how close I got and how badly I wanted Him. If not for the heartache I'd suffer afterward I may just as well have let it happen. It was cheating. I didn't have sex but I cheated. It's not really the problem, only a symptom. I know what the problem is. I'm not satisfied. Things aren't right. I need to let Columbia go.

The middle of the night is tough

I keep thinking of Him. I don't have Him. I can't. That's why I'm thinking about Him.

It segued into thinking about Dad. The middle of the night is the worst time to think about Dad. For some reason it hurts worse when the rest of the world is asleep.

Why do I spend so much time being sad about the things I can't have? Wouldn't it be easier to spend that time being happy about the things I do have? More productive to spend it preparing for the things I can get?