Situations Like These

I'm working with No Name today. I love him the way Christians love Jesus. It's a disease.

In my pathetic-ness I asked the Magic 8 Ball on my phone if he and I would ever be together. It said, "Without a Doubt." Then I remembered I forgot to specify how. Then I remembered he cheats on his girlfriend with me (and most likely with other women) and I figured I probably didn't want him anyway in that case. Then I figured I don't really know anything about what he's like when he's not working or partying and shouldn't judge him. Then I figured my underdeveloped sense of self-worth would never allow me to accept him even if he DID want me, which he doesn't, at least not the parts of me that aren't erogenous zones.

Well I don't know, maybe he does. When he hires me he keeps me far away where we can't see each other, and when I do see him he greets me by wrapping his arms tight around me and crushing my body against him and smelling my hair all nonchalant. As if I don't notice. When I catch him looking at me--oh hell, why am I bothering?

He's not man enough to do something about the way he obviously feels even though he knows it's mutual. So I guess that he's not worthy of me--he doesn't even meet the most rudimentary criterion I have for a mate, which is wanting me more than anyone else. I wish knowing that were enough to make me let it go.

Well usually it is. But then we work together for a day or I see him at a party, and the hug with the hair-smelling squeezes the wind out of me. And it starts all over again.

Ugh. Stupid.