Maybe It's Not a Disease.

The drama with No Name continues. After work he sought me out to talk. We rode the Subway toward home together, with some of the boys from work in tow. They were all going out to party together but I had to work the next day on a commercial so I couldn't go. He told me he'd broken up with the girlfriend. I regret that I never did mention I had broken up with Columbia. He sat next to me and touched my hand a little and we talked a little about the script he's been working on. He told me about a job he has coming up, two months of work, and said he'd put me in for it.

I had an interview with the AD's on the job this week and I nailed it - I'm in. I'm going to see him for over two months straight. Every day.

I'm half nervous, half excited. There's a piece of me that believes he and I would be amazing together now that the timing is better, but there's also a big part that's concerned I'll wind up getting carried away and then disappointed. I was talking to Thinky Face last night about how getting romantically disappointed can really send you into a thick depression ... Lately it feels like things are even more precarious; instead of falling from a normal height and being able to pick yourself up it's more like you're falling off a roof. I mean, maybe it's not...but it seems like it hurts worse now when I sink into a depression.

What I really know is that I don't know anything. At one point I made a joke about him cheating on the girlfriend with me and he said no, he'd legitimately been on the outs with her every time he'd seen me. That's something. And I don't really know that he's been with other women in that time ... I have no reason to believe he does, it's really just a fear I have, thanks to the Producer shaking me violently into the reality of casual sex. I've assigned a lot of meaning to the things that happen with him without really knowing for sure what's going on. And I've been wrong to judge him based on fear and my own insecurity. I mean, I have to protect my feelings, sure ... but there's got to be a line I can ride between protecting myself and pushing people away.