Treme

I watched the pilot today. There's a scene where a man comes home to his flooded house and sees the image of his wrecked life. And without expecting it I wept like a little baby.

I miss it there sometimes. It's so small, so soulful, so easy. Life is simpler and more fun. Things don't cost so much goddamn money. Things revolve around beer and music instead of work.

I mean, I know it's not really like that. I know it's actually more complicated.

Maybe I didn't lose everything I owned the same way flooded people did, but I still lost my life. I lost...I don't know, the ability to give a shit about beer and music. And I just fucked up so bad buying that house with J, even after I lost my love for him in Montpellier...and I'm so, so pissed off about it.

I hate that I ever went there sometimes. And sometimes I wish the place had been totally wiped off the planet.

And I didn't lose everything, so I forget that I'm allowed to cry about it. I forget that I was stuck in Colorado, not on vacation there. And I forget that I went back to try and reclaim something that never really existed for me there.

I don't know, maybe I'm crying because I was stupid enough to believe in the mirage of fun and happiness. Maybe I'm crying because I'm scared I'll never know the kind of happiness I saw and hoped for there.

When I moved to New Orleans I wanted to be a part of something, but I was always on the outside. And here...here... I'm on the inside. I am part of something. I'm quickly building a reputation which is earning me a name among the best of the best PA's, the ones that are practically ADs. And I'm doing it on my own merit, without nepotism.

So why am I crying when I watch Treme and wishing I could go home? That isn't my home, New York is my home. I guess I just wish home weren't so lonely.

The Port O' Call came to Brooklyn!

My friends Alabama Slamma and Uptown Girl came to visit New York this weekend to see Radiohead at the All Points West festival and to take in the sights a bit. It was so good to have a little slice of my old NOLA scene come see me here in the King of Boroughs.

Uptown Girl and I share a best friend in New Orleans and have always gotten along almost better than we do with her, since of takes a particular kind of person to put up with her idiosynchrasies. Shortly before I left my old life behind I spent two magical days on the beach in Gulf Shores, Alabama with said best friend and the two dear ones who are now staying a stone's throw away in Queens.

Short as it was, that vacation was the most fun I had had in years. The three of them had gone on a whim and invited me, but I declined in deference to my work ethic. The same Sunday night they left I had one of a series of massive fights with JH. I had to get the hell out of there, so I hopped in my car without telling him where I was going and drove until I got there, leaving a voice mail with my boss to say I was taking a personal day.

Four hours later I pulled my little Nissan into the parking lot of a shady little hotel across the street from the beach, my cheeks still stained from salty tears. I was welcomed by the girls with open arms and no questions asked. Uptown Girl poured some combination of liquor and juice into an impossibly tall plastic cup and we retired to the beach.

For the next day and a half we spoke almost exclusively in ridiculous Alabama Twang. We bitched about the men in our lives, played drinking games like it was going out of style and flirted with teenaged boys on the beach. We barely swam, much preferring the sun to the surf. Although I never really talked about it with the other girls, I decided then that it was over between me and JH. I realized that I would be far better off without him. I knew I had to follow my dream and come to New York.

Uptown doesn't know it (and may never) but it was her example of inependence and self assuredness that made me realize I could do it. And for her to be here now and see me thriving and happy.... Well I can't think of one person from my old life that I'd rather see!

The little picture is dark, but it's all I got, and I'm okay with that. The night was so dark and drizzly, it captures the mood pretty well.