Hum and Drone

I decided it's time to start writing again. The other day I was having a conversation with my sister about futility and these...weird ideas sort of started swirling around me, as if ideas were fireflies or honeybees and flew in little swarms. I'd say gnats but I mean something more benign. The ideas weren't good or bad, and they weren't feelings so much as thoughts. They just appeared in a little cloud and whirled around my head, and sometimes one would buzz in my ear, sometimes another.

They were about all sorts of things, mostly about futility and questioning how best to approach life in the face of confirmed futility. But that's sort of an aside.

The real point here is that I saw this happen in my brain. I formed an image of it. In retrospect this is kind of amazing, or perhaps indicative of the mild insanity I occasionally suspect lurks within my mind. But it was a beautiful picture, so beautiful it made me want to write about it.

(Thoughts on a Z train)

Okay, so I went Internet stalking and I've been listening to hip hop all day.

What are you, like forty now?
Still no time to settle down
I hear that, I'm not settled either
Pushin' thirty, thought I'd be there
Still kinda wish I could trade for your career
But I know I still have to be patient and prepare
My brain my heart my soul are still confused
They still want to learn from men like you
Sure it's just a waiting game
But I'd like to have it all the same
You set fire to my standards
And I keep coming back like a moth to a flame

I'm trying to write.

I can only come up with a few things to write about. They aren't necessarily congruous.

* I want to live, I just have trouble seeing why I should keep doing it.

* The kind of thing I'm looking for is out there; it's just not looking for me.

* My greatest fear is loneliness and yet I keep isolating myself from others.

* I am like a shadow walking among people. Like a ghost they can see.


The funny thing is that I'm not depressed right now. In fact, if you put me to work I feel like I'm in the middle of a manic phase. It's just that I'm having trouble getting work...I don't know if that's hurting or helping, since I feel so very tired too. It's like winter has set in inside of me and my body is responding to some cosmic message from the magnetosphere that is telling me to hibernate. I'm having trouble running, I'm having trouble eating, I'm having trouble doing anything at all. It's not because of depression either, it's just that I'm tired. So so tired.

Maybe I should take a nap.