My blog says no but my life says, "Oh yes!"

Yesterday morning on my way to the subway I heard someone say my name. After a moment of incredulity that someone in my neighborhood actually knows my name, I realized it was the Comedian, the stoner guy who hangs out with my sheister, I mean broker. He never called me like he said he would (this is a total pattern), so I'd sort of written him off for being a loser pothead that I don't really want to hang out with anyway. He seemed really glad to see me though. We made chatty like for a few minutes, in which he A) apologized for not calling but he's been so busy! (pattern) B) said he gave up the pot (hmmm...) and C) expressed interest in seeing me, like, six times. I said "Sure. You have my number." In my head I added, "You've had it for a month, Jackass."

Then there's M, who is cool! And sweet! And wants to hang out and invites me to stuff all the time (uncharacteristic of the pattern)! And I totally like M....just not like that. I tried, in a vain attempt to shake a case of the blues, but I just couldn't do it. Still, M is a great person and I really would like being friends.

We all know I was bitter about the Producer (because in my world nobody blows me off, especially not people that I expected to have to blow off). I was having a pretty crappy day a few weeks ago and I had to walk by that giant mosaic about a zillion times. I later noticed on my stat counter that he was poking around at the blog and I literally shouted, "What the hell!? If you don't like me then just leave me the fuck alone!" So I emailed him a WTF disguised as a cool "oh, I happened to notice" and got a lengthy and rather honest expository in return. Nice! Honesty is great!

My vast and insatiable pride was still scarred, and I couldn't help wanting to see him again, so we hung out, and made plans to hang out more....we'll see how it goes though; we're both really busy (again, the pattern). The pride wound hasn't totally healed yet though, so I'm skeptical.

Okay, surprise surprise, assholes who don't call are more appealing than sweet people who invite me out. Aren't we all shocked. But doesn't this say something about where I am right now? Isn't there some significance to my wanting people who are unavailable?

Here's my theory: I'm not looking for THE one. I'm looking for one of many. I'm making up for lost time and putting notches on my bedpost. Why not? I spent a long time monogamous, miserable, and unsatisfied, so why shouldn't I spend this time having fun instead of moping around until I'm ready for another relationship?

More than I can chew

"BOOM!"

The cats just made a beeline for the bed, crawling underneath it to what they think is safety from the thunder and lightning and torrential rain outside.

I just hung up. I was on with The Grecian for two hours. Giggling and babbling and loving each other simultaneously over MySpace and the phone. For two hours. She called at 7:44. She called because I was crying. She knew because I texted her that I was crying. She asked.

It's so nice to feel like I can lean on someone for a little while, to have someone to giggle with again. To have someone to tell me stories about the ridiculous things that are out there, things that are so much more awful than anything I have to deal with.

I don't write about those things--those people, I guess--because I don't care about them. It's lackluster. I go, I make pleasant conversation, I pretend to be interested, but I'm just not, because I just have too much else going on. Bad music, cheap drinks, boring talk...it turns me on autopilot. I'm not there anymore. I'm wondering who to talk to about my next job, thinking about my documentary thing, wondering how to get The Big Idea going... And then suddenly I'm back, fending off a physical advance or muttering an excuse about how I have to be somewhere. Only one has so far recognized my robotic lack of enthusiasm. We talked about it, and my emotional impotence was understood. I felt better.

My only mistake right now is biting off more than I can chew.

I don't have time for them. I don't really want to get to know them. I'm going through the motions because I feel like I have to, or like I owe it to myself. I'm trying to make up for lost time. But my heart is just not in it, and I'm sick of going through the motions. So I think I'm going to stop.

But then there's that one... I got to know him just enough to know that I want to know him more. But not like this!

I said I wasn't going to. I said I wouldn't. I said this time was going to show off how I am good and fun and nice to be friends with. Just friends. I am embarrassed at my lack of self control. It makes me feel sad. It made me wish to hell that I had spent the time talking about real things. It made me wish I felt sure that we could be friends and not this. Is he willing? I don't want this. But then my hand wanders into his. Why? No! Goddammit! I don't want a serious relationship because I don't really want any relationship. I don't. I'm not ready, and I just don't want one. But this...this is not what I want either.

I think I'm going to stop. But see...the Big Idea... The Big Idea is something I have questions about. He's one of those awesome people that I came here for! He's right where I want to be... And maybe I could get some of those questions answered if only I could get a goddamn chance to ask. If only I could do anything but blubber like an idiot when he's around all intimidating and staring at my mouth. And so cute. So incredibly cute.

Oh, I hate it! I hate this horrid girliness!

"BOOM!"

I'm not totally innocent here either.

Okay, so the keeping it casual thing scares everyone. EVERYONE. It's a bad sign, a red flag, a big flashing light with a siren.

But you know what? He's really cool, and he's sweet and all, but at this point in my life I just don't want a real relationship. I want a fake one, just the front of it without having to truly invest (and thereby risk) my whole true self. I'm sort of using him to make me feel good during a time when that's not easy.

And I have...um...needs. And...well...if nothing else I feel like having sex with someone other than Jon was a big step that I needed to take, so it's good.

I'm plenty busy doing other stuff; it's the thinking part that's got me hung up.

Such a stupid girl.

Why don't you call!?

I stare at my phone and try to telekinetically force it to ring. Stupid boy! Call! Call! Ask me to dinner! Tell me to come over and hang out with you and eat cheap take-out! I crave companionship!

I know what's going on here. I'm lonely. Lonely lonely girl feels so much better about herself when there's someone there to touch and cuddle with. I don't even know the Producer well enough yet to even say if I like him or if I just like having someone there, so I know that it isn't HIM that's causing me to feel this way. It's just me. I want him to think I'm pretty. I want him to think I'm irresistable.

He's smart, and hard to get close to. That's why I'm so googly over him.

The second time I saw him I had to talk to him about something uncomfortable, but I didn't know how to approach the subject. He thought I was girling out and trying to "define the relationship" or something (which I absolutely wasn't - I just didn't really know how to ask someone if he'd been tested for STDs). Then it happened. He said the thing that drove me crazy. He said the words, "keeping it casual."

WHAT? What does THAT mean? I don't have the slightest idea, but I think it means "undesirous of heavy emotional committment." I was undesirous of heavy emotional commitment too, but those words were like a fucking slap in the face. The verbal equivalent of stepping on my shoe. Now instead of cute, sweet cartoon Producer he's turned himself into a challenge. And lord knows I love a damn challenge.

Also, that was the second time I'd ever met him (even though the first time was like forever), so I'm not sure how to take it. Did he just mean at first keeping it casual? Did he mean forever? What is he looking for? And for the love of all that is good and holy, why hasn't he called or talked to me since I left his apartment Saturday morning? After telling me I couldn't come to breakfast with him and his friend??

I'm terrified that he's seeing someone else. Terrified. I can't share. I won't share. I told him, when he said keeping it casual, I told him "well as long as you keep it casual with me and nobody else we'll be okay." But there was no clear yes or no! So how do I know? I'm terrified because of Jarod (forever ago - he really fucked me up) and how he used to lie to me all the time and make me feel so special and then it turned out he'd been screwing half of Wright State every time I turned my head...

I feel sick. I'm going out with some kids from work and then I hope I hope I hope he calls... I text messaged him yesterday but he didn't respond. I wonder if he's as scared of me as I am of him? I wonder if I'm sabotaging myself and saying stupid things and making myself look like an asshole?

I had so much fun on Friday, and I'm glad that Dante met him and he met Dante--and that I was drunk when it happened. I'm glad he whisked me home with him and kissed me about a million times in the morning. It was soooo perfect. And then he sent me home.