More than I can chew

"BOOM!"

The cats just made a beeline for the bed, crawling underneath it to what they think is safety from the thunder and lightning and torrential rain outside.

I just hung up. I was on with The Grecian for two hours. Giggling and babbling and loving each other simultaneously over MySpace and the phone. For two hours. She called at 7:44. She called because I was crying. She knew because I texted her that I was crying. She asked.

It's so nice to feel like I can lean on someone for a little while, to have someone to giggle with again. To have someone to tell me stories about the ridiculous things that are out there, things that are so much more awful than anything I have to deal with.

I don't write about those things--those people, I guess--because I don't care about them. It's lackluster. I go, I make pleasant conversation, I pretend to be interested, but I'm just not, because I just have too much else going on. Bad music, cheap drinks, boring talk...it turns me on autopilot. I'm not there anymore. I'm wondering who to talk to about my next job, thinking about my documentary thing, wondering how to get The Big Idea going... And then suddenly I'm back, fending off a physical advance or muttering an excuse about how I have to be somewhere. Only one has so far recognized my robotic lack of enthusiasm. We talked about it, and my emotional impotence was understood. I felt better.

My only mistake right now is biting off more than I can chew.

I don't have time for them. I don't really want to get to know them. I'm going through the motions because I feel like I have to, or like I owe it to myself. I'm trying to make up for lost time. But my heart is just not in it, and I'm sick of going through the motions. So I think I'm going to stop.

But then there's that one... I got to know him just enough to know that I want to know him more. But not like this!

I said I wasn't going to. I said I wouldn't. I said this time was going to show off how I am good and fun and nice to be friends with. Just friends. I am embarrassed at my lack of self control. It makes me feel sad. It made me wish to hell that I had spent the time talking about real things. It made me wish I felt sure that we could be friends and not this. Is he willing? I don't want this. But then my hand wanders into his. Why? No! Goddammit! I don't want a serious relationship because I don't really want any relationship. I don't. I'm not ready, and I just don't want one. But this...this is not what I want either.

I think I'm going to stop. But see...the Big Idea... The Big Idea is something I have questions about. He's one of those awesome people that I came here for! He's right where I want to be... And maybe I could get some of those questions answered if only I could get a goddamn chance to ask. If only I could do anything but blubber like an idiot when he's around all intimidating and staring at my mouth. And so cute. So incredibly cute.

Oh, I hate it! I hate this horrid girliness!

"BOOM!"