My blog says no but my life says, "Oh yes!"

Yesterday morning on my way to the subway I heard someone say my name. After a moment of incredulity that someone in my neighborhood actually knows my name, I realized it was the Comedian, the stoner guy who hangs out with my sheister, I mean broker. He never called me like he said he would (this is a total pattern), so I'd sort of written him off for being a loser pothead that I don't really want to hang out with anyway. He seemed really glad to see me though. We made chatty like for a few minutes, in which he A) apologized for not calling but he's been so busy! (pattern) B) said he gave up the pot (hmmm...) and C) expressed interest in seeing me, like, six times. I said "Sure. You have my number." In my head I added, "You've had it for a month, Jackass."

Then there's M, who is cool! And sweet! And wants to hang out and invites me to stuff all the time (uncharacteristic of the pattern)! And I totally like M....just not like that. I tried, in a vain attempt to shake a case of the blues, but I just couldn't do it. Still, M is a great person and I really would like being friends.

We all know I was bitter about the Producer (because in my world nobody blows me off, especially not people that I expected to have to blow off). I was having a pretty crappy day a few weeks ago and I had to walk by that giant mosaic about a zillion times. I later noticed on my stat counter that he was poking around at the blog and I literally shouted, "What the hell!? If you don't like me then just leave me the fuck alone!" So I emailed him a WTF disguised as a cool "oh, I happened to notice" and got a lengthy and rather honest expository in return. Nice! Honesty is great!

My vast and insatiable pride was still scarred, and I couldn't help wanting to see him again, so we hung out, and made plans to hang out more....we'll see how it goes though; we're both really busy (again, the pattern). The pride wound hasn't totally healed yet though, so I'm skeptical.

Okay, surprise surprise, assholes who don't call are more appealing than sweet people who invite me out. Aren't we all shocked. But doesn't this say something about where I am right now? Isn't there some significance to my wanting people who are unavailable?

Here's my theory: I'm not looking for THE one. I'm looking for one of many. I'm making up for lost time and putting notches on my bedpost. Why not? I spent a long time monogamous, miserable, and unsatisfied, so why shouldn't I spend this time having fun instead of moping around until I'm ready for another relationship?