interview!!!

​I had a phone interview to operate a feature today! It’s a tier 1 so little money and not much Steadi rental, but it’s a feature! And the DP liked me! It would be quite a feather in my IMDB page…and fodder for my reel. 

I opened the rental negotiation kind of high compared to what I think production wants; hopefully they don’t balk. But if they do then maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. 

I texted Chris about it and basically got a meh in response… that didn’t feel great. 

Local 0

Solidarity.

It's the one thing you need for a small community to change the status quo within a larger community.

I have worked 90 hour weeks with no overtime.

I have slept in my workplace.

I have been fired under disparaging circumstances for sketchy reasons.

I have been obliged to drive under extreme sleep deprivation.


Go Local 0.

More to come.

Behold the Turtle.

When I signed up with my bank they charged a monthly fee for overdraft protection, which I thought was bullshit. In lieu of paying six dollars monthly I got in the good habit of checking my account online once every couple of days, figuring if something ever did go wrong the chance of a thirty dollar fee was better than having to pay seventy-two dollars annually guaranteed. The other day I logged in and suddenly I wasn't so sure.

Oops. I overdrafted my checking account because I accidentally scheduled a bill payment a day earlier than I ought to have. The bank charged me thirty bucks. Later that day I deposited money to cover the bill (not knowing it had already been drawn from my account), then because of the fee and because I made my deposit after 5:00 (my budget is tight right now) the account overdrafted again when my other bills went through the next morning. The bank charged me another thirty bucks. When I went to monitor my account I was shocked and upset to see $60 in bank fees! The first time was my mistake, I admit it, but the second time would never have happened without the first fee! Distraught, I called my bank's India office to ask if they could refund the second charge. The nice lady actually refunded ALL the fees and also informed me that overdraft protection no longer comes with a monthly fee, now they only charge if you actually go over. So we got me all signed up and protectified.

The point is that I got sixty bucks back by calling in and asking for thirty. All I had to do was make a tiny effort and show some initiative and not only did I get what I wanted, I got double!

It doesn't always work out to double but I'm finding that the "Just do it" method is the one that has given me the greatest success in my endeavors, whereas trying to take smaller steps to slowly build toward what I want has gotten me diddly. Wanna move to New York City? Don't move somewhere else first just to try your luck at city living, just effing move to New York City. Wanna work in the movies? Don't do other stuff for ten years while you put yourself through film school, just go work in the movies. It's time to apply this principle again, because I'm getting restless with PA life.

I have come to call this way the Bell Method, after the UPM on my current job explained that he became a production manager by just doing it rather than by working his way up the chain. Working with a gaggle of production executives (from the L.A. based company that funded the show) who are barely older than me, his point really hit home. Why resign myself to years of toiling away collecting set days to become an A.D. when ultimately I want to go further than that? If I want to produce a movie, why can't I just produce one?

The first roadblock that pops into my head is money. I don't have the money. Where would I get the money? How do I convince people to trust me with a bucketful of money (yes, I know, don't overdraft my bank account--but that was an isolated incident, I swear!)? How do I distribute the money? How do I make people think I already know the answers to all these questions??

The second roadblock is content. This one is a little easier for me, since I work with dozens of aspiring screenwriters. My daily grind is chock full of people like me who have talents and knacks and know-how but lack opportunity. Nobody, I have come to realize, is going to give any of us an opportunity unless we're supremely lucky. So why not create one out of the resources available to us? If you build it, they will come.

The third roadblock is the nagging insecurity that tells me I have no business trying to make a movie. Who do I think I am, Barbara Broccoli? I don't have the training or preparation. I don't have years of industry knowledge, I have one year of working in production offices and doing other odd jobs on film sets. I have never had a cost report meeting. I've never asked anyone for more than a couple hundred bucks. I've never been responsible for someone else's paycheck. And even if I get past that stuff, so what if I make some dinky little movie? What does it prove to have a DVD Of some video you put together with some friends? What production values can I really expect to achieve that anyone will actually give it a second thought?

Well you don't know unless you try, right? There are people who made it happen who had never set foot on a set before they made their first feature. If they can do it, why not me? And if I try, what's the most I could lose if I fail? Money? I barely have any to lose. Pride? I'm better off without it. Time? Better than losing time any other way. Respect? I respect failures far more than those who lack the mettle to try.

The turtle only makes progress when he sticks his neck out. It's time to be a brave turtle. It's time to try and get somewhere I'd like to be.

kyle the girl
(on iPhone)

It lives

Good morning, blogland.

Miss A will be comin' atcha soon, I promise. It seems like most people would really like to hear about the DGA Trainee stuff... Unfortunately I really don't have much to report. I was selected from over 400 as one of 80 for the first round of interviews; hopefully I'll be selected for the second round of interviews too, but I won't find out for about another month or so, maybe more.

I've been working like crazy on my current job, a feature film. I'm PAing again, not secretarying, and despite the lower pay I really like it better, and I'm hoping after this I'll be able to transition to set and start moving up in the AD department.

Other than work, I really don't have that much to report about what I'm doing. There's other stuff going on too, but I gotta get out the door...and go to work. Maybe I'll try iPhone blogging later.

Ebb and Flow

For the last five weeks I was straight up unemployed. Living on the guv'ment dole. Not for lack of trying, of course....anyone I've worked on a movie with over the last year will tell you I've been hustling to find something. I keep hearing, "It'll come soon." and "I don't have anything either. I'll call you when I do." It's gotten so bad that I actually turned down some day player work for this horrible temp job.

Philosophy, on the other hand, is inundated with way too much work. She's been working over twelve hour days, seven days a week for the last three weeks. She's at the end of her rope. Luckily her show is about to be over and she'll get some time off.

Hopefully my next job will begin soon after that. Hopefully.

Film Industry Cojones

I stumbled across this post about The Watchmen on The Ethical Slut (one of my favorite bloggers, you should go read her stuff now). It's about how Fox is engaging in legal war with Warner Bros. over The Watchmen after having passed on it initially. The letter is written by one of the producers, and I wonder if said producer knew that his letter would be taken up as a viral Internet boycott.

As a freelancer, I'm always a little hesitant to put anything "out there" about work...I'm often terrified that work-related people will see and that it will negatively affect my ability to get jobs. I mean, there is something to be said for people wanting to work with you because of who you are (and I'm a pretty cool gal, if I do say so), but people are also insecure. They get especially funny when you say you have a blog; they get all curious to see what you're going to write about them, and sometimes they're really nervous. I don't like that; I'd much rather everyone just relax.

I've been reading some of Polybloggimous lately too, which is prolificallywritten by a Locations fella. Here's a great post he wrote about his experience on a low-budget horror flick. It was funny. It had me giggling knowingly. But he didn't write it until after he'd received a residual check, so you know it's been a while. But in general he doesn't seem to say anything about his shows until after they're over...he maintains the whole veil of "I'm working on a movie but I won't tell you what or where or anything."

Not that I'd go leaking info about my jobs all over my blog or anything (hey, I worked on Top Model and I didn't leak any information at all). I know there's a line. So how much sharing is oversharing? Am I allowed to say I saw a very famous twin getting out of a trailer on the set of some movie I worked on? (More importantly, does anyone really care?) Is it okay to say complimentary things but not uncomplimentary things? I can tell you that Catherine Zeta-Jones is really beautiful in person and that she's nothing but nice to people at work. I could tell you other things about other people, but that wouldn't be nice.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I just don't like the guessing game, trying to figure out where the line is. My inclination is just to say what I feel, but that isn't always nice and someone might not like it. But if I have to filter, why say anything at all? Why not just prattle on about incidental things that don't really matter?

I want substance though. I started this whole thing so I could have a place to spill my guts and feel what I feel. To my mind, nobody has to read my feelings or care what I feel, so I should just say whatever the hell comes to my mind or not write at all, right? Right?

I'm so not convinced.

"It's weird," said Mom about the music. "It sounds like a horror movie or something."

I've been chatting a little with the Sound Scientist, and the more I talk to him the more interesting he gets. He's an experimental musician, which kind of falls into my "Uh-huh, sure, whatever" category of art appreciation, but I found some of his music online (stalky stalky now) and it's actually really interesting and soothing. It sounds kind of like his voice.

He worked on a piece about the bridges in Cleveland. He knows more about them than I do, which is kind of cool since they've always fascinated me. I've always wanted to do a color photography set about them and I've wondered for a long time when I'm ever going to get the chance.

Now that my job on the film is over (and yes, it's absolutely over) I'm casually scoping out the work scene for on-location jobs in or around Cleveland. It would be great to find a temporary gig here and be able to spend some time with Mom and Salty (and Peanut!).

Grasping

So.

Friday, after my last post, we were told there was a ray of hope out there. "They" are trying to get us money so we can go ahead with this movie...which is great! Everyone on the crew has agreed that we are all very very proud of working on this film. It's a great script, an awesome cast, an amazing special effects team and construction crew, awesome designers and (of course) a fantastic production team. It has all the makings of a really successful hit movie!

Won't someone please give me $40 million dollars so I can help our writer/director to finish the film?

Like a great hand descending from the clouds, a deus ex machina ending

Today was a normal day in the production office. I ordered supplies, we paid bills, we made scripts... and then suddenly the executive producer called us all to the art department.

He told us the production was shutting down.

So that's it...a couple more weeks and Ms. big fancy production secretary will be unemployed again.

Unless my favorite Irish accountant finds us all a job...

Let me tell you about my promotion!

Psst, I'm not a production assistant anymore! Now I am the production secretary!

What does this mean?

1 - I am the Queen of Documents and Paperwork instead of being everybody's bitch.
2 - I get paid a buttload more!
3 - All those in need of filing and lists will bow before me.
4 - I get perks like kit rentals ($) on my personal equipment - also known as "They gave Dude a beeper."
5 - Steady(ish) hours!
6 - I'll be stationed right outside Payroll's office!
7 - I'll learn way more stuff because I'll be allowed to know way more stuff
8 - Less running around means less exhausted all the time!
9 - I can tell the PAs what to do! (sorta)
10 - This is only my second New York job. It's also a humongous film, especially for an indie being shot in New York. If I can hack it here, hopefully it won't be long before I move up the ladder to APOC. And then...and then?

Then I will either have a catharsis of lament that I am an APOC and not on set, or I will figure out what a bum deal live action is and move into coordinating for video game production or animation or something. I need to talk to the Grecian's equivalent of the Producer....he's not a cartoon producer (like my Producer was), but he's involved somehow in commercial animation I know. And I'm not attracted to him in the LEAST, so I feel confident that I'll be able to have a real conversation with him about what that side of the business is like and whether or not I want to get into it.

Just where do I think I'm going, young lady?

I have a demanding job that offers little stability. I somehow balance working 65+ hours a week with being a dancer. I also I have a social life, even if it is mostly populated with people I work and dance with.

So why do I feel like my life isn't full enough? Why do I feel like Miss Adventurous is drifting through a lazy lagoon instead of sailing the high seas? Can it be that I'm...bored?

I'm eager to get my claws into something new. A new job will certainly be welcome. Maybe I just need to do something fun. I have plans all weekend; I have a (my) dance show Friday, the Mermaid Parade Saturday and the Brooklyn Bridge on Sunday. Maybe I'll feel better after that?

I feel out of touch with the world. I feel kind of unalive. I think I need a jolt of crazy to shake me out of it. Thinky got me all excited to go out dancing and wild nights on the town and tasting the New York fabulousness, but it keeps not happening. Why? Why does New York eat time? Why are we all always so busy? Why can't I date awesome people instead of losers? Why is it that the one awesome person I've dated is still a loser? QUIT BEING A LOSER AND BE MY FRIEND, PLEASE!

Someone pinch me, I'm having a nightmare. I can't have done all this work for nothing; why do I still feel bland and unsatisfied? What can I do to fast track my success? I'm growing too slow! I can't take the waiting! I feel so behind! I want to make up for all the time I wasted on the lies and empty promises of some naiive jerk in a backwards Southern city that sucks all the ambition out of people!

There's so much pressure that I sometimes feel my body buckling under the weight of it. I want to get out of the financial baby pool and into the deep end. I want to start making the kind of money I need to live my dream the way I dreamed it. The way the sellouts like PDF live.

I know this sulking and futility are contrary to the style of my Adventures, which are all about possibility and courage. I know I am being desperate and fatalistic and blame-y. I know I'm acting like an entitled little brat, my own pet peeve. This, though, these feelings, are fuel for my fire. This is what motivates me to work hard and challenge myself. This is why I'm a daredevil and a thrill-seeker and a goal setter. If I settle for anything less then I'll wind up being a complainer instead.

The way to head off my dissatisfaction at the pass is to find the next goal and then get to work. I am drifting because I don't have a particular destination in mind. It's time to set my sights on a thing. Something difficult but within reach. Something specific and definable. Something I can control. An apartment? A job? I need a quest!

Ugly Truth #237 about The Biz: You might have to buy more underwear.

I still haven't picked up my laundry. The yellow ticket has been burning a hole in my wallet for two weeks, which is the length of time my skivvies have been in the care of the Asian guys who laundered them for me. I actually purchased a five pack of new panties a few days ago after noticing the shortage in my drawer.

As an office PA for an independent film with a $25 million dollar budget I just can't get over there to go pick it up. It's not that I'm too tired to do it or that I just don't want to--no, I would be happy to do laundry if my work shift did not, as a general rule, encompass the entire 12 hours that the laundromat is open. I could take extreme measures and wake up early, but being sleep deprived has a funny way of making you tell your alarm clock, "not today" any day you don't have to be at work.

I could do it over the weekend, I suppose, although my sleep deprivation tends to spill over, and

Publish Post

for three weekends in a row I have slept until I had to be somewhere...I have thus far refused to give up my social life altogether because I feel like I should at least get SOME time for fun. I jam pack my weekends with activities and events and never seem to spend enough time on rest or chores.

I'm due to set up a date with my pillow; and believe me, I've been trying. It seems like any time I go home with the intention to sleep though something always comes up in the meantime that keeps me awake. I have no shortage of unfinished projects.

So, for now, I keep planning, looking forward to the day when I finally have nothing to do. And in the meantime I will have to squeeze in twenty minutes to go pick up my laundry.

Breaking Up the Stag Party

Guys have life a little easier in a lot of ways. And, very often, I find myself frustrated with the nagging feeling that my gender is holding me back. If I were a guy I could be funnier. If I were a guy it would be easier to find a decent paying skilled labor job instead of temping. If I were a guy my body type wouldn't affect people's impressions of me as much. I realize this sounds like I am using gender as a convenient scapegoat for my problems. I am. Because it is. It affects me adversely, and I resent it. So there.

This issue is coming to a head today for me because I think I have decided what career track I'd like to pursue. It's not an easy one, but given my history as a photographer, affinity for dorky technical crap, and cavalier attitude it is kind of a predictable one. My inflated self-importance alone (you know you love me) might actually qualify me for membership in the Local 600 (ba-dum-bump!). I wanna work in camera!

Now this sure enough isn't 100%. I don't know if I will like it if I actually try it...but I do want to try.

Here's where the guy thing comes in. I feel like--by virtue of being an emotional girl who likes skirts and long hair and lip gloss--it will be extra hard to find my place in the boys club that is the camera department. They are as notorious for their chauvanistic egos as they are for their technical knowledge. To work in camera you have to be strong--literally. You must be able to carry around equipment that is delicate, expensive, and very heavy. Less upper body strength because of gender is not an excuse--you must be strong enough to do the job. You cannot be clumsy. You cannot mess up. Shooting on film costs an extravagant amount of money; if the camera department messes up, everyone has a setback.

You can't make a motion picture without pictures, so yeah, they're cocky. I don't blame them one bit. What they do is so cool.

Here are my hangups:

• I don't really want to be a D.P., which is the head of camera and pretty much the desired end of that career track for most people.
• I am kind of a klutz, and when I'm nervous (like, say, about loading wrong and wasting hundreds of feet of film and tons of time and buckets of money) it gets worse.
  
• I cry sometimes and I like dressing pretty; I can't really do either of those things if I want to be taken seriously and work in the camera department.
  
• I may have to give up socializing with people, except for people I'm working with. This includes dating, which is hard enough as it is.
  
• I will probably have to continue getting paid the same crappy wage I'm making now for some time before I can get a job as a loader. This sucks because I would like to be able to afford a decent apartment someday.
  
• Although I will learn lots of things that could help me with my Big Idea, I probably will not have the time or energy to pursue the Big Idea. And the Big Idea is probably my best shot at any kind of fame or fortune, however limited.
  
• If I try and decide I don't want to keep doing it I can try something else, but how much time will I have wasted then?
  
• If I try it and switch to something else I will always feel like I couldn't hack it.
• If I try it and switch to something else other people will probably think I couldn't hack it.

Yeah yeah, I know what you're thinking. You think it doesn't matter what other people think. You know what? You're wrong! This business is all about what other people think! In fact, just getting a job relies almost exclusively on other people thinking you're really good at the thing you want to do. So it does matter. It totally does.

So the next step? Get on set. Start nosing around a little. Get on set. Talk to people. Get on set.

I'm working on it...!

A day at the studio!

Today I had a really fun assignment! Our production coordinator asked me to visit Silvercup Studios in Queens! After a quick jaunt over the 59th Street Bridge, my coworker dropped me off and I merrily skipped my way into the building. I was met by Lisa, a nice lady who showed me around. I was there to check out the dressing rooms and amenities, mostly to make sure they would comply with our megastar's riders (nitpicky things written into a contract). For example we as a company are obligated to ensure that certain people have private access at all times to phone, fax, Wi-Fi, and cable TV. There are lots of other things, but these were my main concerns for the day.

I took serious notes, made up a map of the floor layouts (so the talent doesn't get lost, bless them), and then dropped by Stage 10 to say hello to the Scenics and the Art Department management. They were building the interior of a New York City apartment...although I have to say it was much bigger than is realistic. Still, it was looking pretty good! I would have taken some photos, but I felt kinda funny.

After all that, I scurried upstairs, because Aunt J happened to be there! She's prepping for a TV Pilot, and since their schedule keeps getting pushed back she had some down time. It was so nice to see her and talk shop a bit! We giggled about Salty's pregant antics and made a cursory plan to visit more over the weekend. It's so funny to me now how intimidated I used to be by her, and also by this whole business. Oh, what a little immersion can do!

Speaking of being less intimidated by the Biz, I talked to our Assistant Locations Manager a little today about how he got into locations. He said he started by scouting, which is relatively easy to learn. Then he offered to take me out scouting on his next job! He said he really likes it a lot and that I would probably be pretty good at it, seeing as I'm Miss Personality when it comes to dealing with the public. And guess what? Location Scouts get paid more than I do! Yay! At this point I really need the extra cash if I want to keep up my rock star lifestyle, so I'd be more than happy to do a scouting gig or two to help pay the bills. And it can't hurt to learn...the more I know about the Business, the more likely I will be to find my niche in it.

I've also come to the conclusion that, no matter how much I like it, no matter how much fun it is, working in production is my day job, and it isn't really a very creative one. To wring out my inner creative sponge, I'm going to have to do something on the side. And...well...I have this idea. But I'm going to need some help. There will most certainly be more later.

The Cheshire Cat

We waited forever for wrap tonight (which is film talk for time-to-finish-up-and-go-home). It turned out to be a fifteen hour day, and wrap finally came at about 11:00. Clearly, if you read my last post, I've been spending this time thinking about my future and how I just don't know where to go next. I have so many options open to me that I'm a little overwhelmed, and I'm having a tough time making a decision. Right when I finished up that post, a disembodied voice popped into my head:


"There are other, cooler things out there, you know." The statement was ethereal, but very clear.

"Like what?" I say. I am Alice to the disembodied voice.

"Like...video games... and animation... It's like a whole wide world of creating stuff out of thin air."

"Oh!" I cry, "but I can't do that. I've never done anything involving that stuff."

"So what?" Asks the voice. "You're too dismissive. Think about how cool it would be. Think about how much you love all that stuff anyway. Think about how much there is to learn and the endless possibilities. You don't have to deal with the constraints of reality."

"But I know nothing about it.... I don't even know where to begin!"

"You know someone who knows about it.... So just ask."

"Oh no," I say silently. "No no no no no. I just started hanging out with him again. And I like him. He's cool. We're friends now. I don't want to scare him away with a whole bunch of curiosity about his job and how I can get a job like that. And there's too much other weird stuff going on there to try and get him to help me advance my career."

"Isn't that why you agreed to meet him in the first place?"

"Well...yeah...but then he turned out so different from how I expected."

"So what? Use anyone you can to get what you want. He's using you."

"That's different."

"How?"

"Umm... I don't know, it just is. Besides, I don't want to do that kind of work anyway, so I don't even know why we're having this conversation."

"Is that why you kept asking him about his work the last time you saw him?"

"Well it's interesting...and what else am I going to talk about with him? I don't want to know about the women."

"Yes you do."

"Okay, so I'm dying to know. But it's none of my damn business....and neither is the work thing! Now please go away!"

Finding the Pearl

I like oysters, when they're done right. I like them best the way my friend Shaggy used to make them back in New Orleans; char-broiled on the grill and soaked in garlic. The texture of the oyster, when cooked properly, is not rubbery or slimy, it's meaty and solid. Eating it makes you feel good and full.

Then there are raw oysters... Ew. They're slippery and taste of saltwater and plankton (or what I imagine is the taste of plankton). They feel like snot going down. The thought makes me want to retch a little. Ew.

Working in film is like a char-broiled oyster. Delicious! Choosing a career track? Raw and planktony. Ew.

I don't really know where to go next. I'm an office PA. Woo. Now what? Production Secretary? Blah. Coordinator? Mmmm...mmmayyyybeee....but I can't see myself being that good at it.

Accountant? Hmmm... I never in a million years thought I'd say accounting sounds interesting, but if you spend enough time drinking with my friend Payroll it becomes interesting. Accounting is a great way to learn the ins and outs of the business if you want to produce. According to Payroll, it's like seeing the film you're making through the Matrix. All that scrolls by your face is numbers, but within those numbers you can see all sorts of things.... She says she can tell who's doing a good job and who isn't. She says she knows all about the tiny problems that spiral into bigger problems. I have to admit that she makes it sound pretty cool. Still....Accounting?

I have to admit that being a producer sounds great. Sounds....great... But, like, everyone wants to be a producer someday. And god knows that if everyone else is doing it then it bores me to tears. And "I want to be a producer" is such a generic thing to say.

But I kind of want to.

I kind of want to learn more about the UPM and what she does. Moving up to coordinator someday would be a great way to get closer to that.

But wait! What about being an AD!? What about following in Aunt J's footsteps or whatever? I'm so curious about that! How would I do? Could I do it? Do I have the patience to survive years of lock-ups and walkies and extras to get there? And once there, can I live my entire life for months at a time on set? Can I walk the fine line between 'boss' and 'bossy'? Do I really want to be buried in paperwork for someone else's big vision and let that other person get all the glory? Because that's a lot of what being an AD is. Do I want to do that? And if not, do I really want to spend my time pursuing it?

I mean, I'm not getting any younger here...not that twenty-seven (and a half) is old, but I feel like I should at least be ready to move up from the bottom rung.

The world of making movies is my oyster. Unless I want to swallow that shit raw, I need to make a decision or two.

The glamorous movie business

I have a 6:00 am flight tomorrow morning that leaves out of Newark. How long does it take to get to Newark from my house? 45 Minutes. That means I have to leave at 4 am.

Which means I should have gone to bed about twenty minutes ago.

Before I go to bed though, I have to clean my apartment and pack. I need to make sure the cats have plenty of food and water for two days. My neighbor is checking in on them tomorrow night.

Before I can do that, I need to get home and stare into space for a minute.

Before that I need to take a taxi home from the Upper West Side.

Before that? Schlepping camera equipment from the street up to the D.P.'s apartment.

Before that a subway ride up the red line from TriBeCa.

Before that switching out the front page of 120 packets of sides. Right now all I can do is wait. They haven't even called in the martini yet. I've been here since 8. am. I feel bad for Jeff. He's been here since 6:30. My POC is a saint for being so calm. Still, somehow I love it. It sucks sometimes, but a lot of jobs suck all the time. I think either I'm a little slap-happy, or I'm about to reach nirvana.

Exhausted, no more social life, but happy, I swear!

Actual Post Date 4/17/08. Miss A is no longer able to churn them out... Without further delay, I give you the completely nonlinear stuff I wrote last night before I passed out with my computer on the pillow next to me. And now that it's done, I'm gonna catch a few Zs before I head back out...

-----

Thoughts are racing through my mind this evening, but in no particular order. I'm pretty exhausted tonight--another 13 hour day--and this time no martinis to blame it on. I actually had a good day at work... although the APOC commented on me looking worn out. I am kind of worn out. I'd like to think it's holdover from the nice evening I had with the IT crew from Womens Rights, but I know that's not true. This isn't physical.

In the interest of keeping it real I gotta say that I'm emotionally exhausted after a couple of weeks of people being noncommittal and flaky about hanging out (not Auntie though! And not my favorite IT department!).

I have a constant nature vs. nurture battle waging in my head. My nature is to trust people, to see the good in their hearts and to enjoy their company worry-free. The events of my life however have made me wary and skeptical, and I often project my own unrelated doubts and fears onto others. This is especially true when my mind is idle and left to entertain itself.

But, as we say in Brooklyn, Fuhgettaboudit! I am back to a place where I'm busy all the time and wiped out in the other two hours of the day. I no longer have time to worry about what anyone else is thinking. My body and brain are too wrapped up getting used to this work pace... Both of them have been kind of lazy the last few years, although taking Hurricane Katrina into consideration, several people have argued to me that I had a good excuse.

Back to the topic at hand though, I am off the market from Sunday at 10 pm through Friday at 8. Bye bye, social life, I loved you well, but I'm living my dream. Or something.

The producer even suggested a meeting tomorrow, but I just didn't have the energy to deal with his maybes and perhapses. I want him to be noncommittal about some things, but hanging out with me is just not one of those things. Now I kind of regret my impatience, both over the last few weeks (too much of that girl kind of impatience) and tonight (irritable and tired). Really I don't know enough about him to make any kind of real judgement call, but I do know that I'm starting to feel jerked around. That's nurture talking. My trusting nature tells me that he's really a great person who genuinely wants to be friends. It'd be nice to know, but I'm over worrying about it (especially since I gave up caring and blogged it).

My heart is in a good place, I'm feeling free and happy in spite of, or perhaps because of my exhaustion. I'm learning to let go of expectation and to replace it with hope and the joy of being a shiny little candle flame and living truly in the moment.

Tales of a broken resume

Today, while perusing the job boards (like I do every day) and harvesting fax numbers for the sending of resumes I had this weary, sinking feeling that nobody ever sees those resumes I fax.

There is this whole sinking feeling like I'm not making the most out of that one sheet of paper anyway. Like...like maybe there's something I should be listing that I'm not, and maybe there are things listed (Admissions Counselor achievements, etc.) that need to be taken off. Truth be told, I pretty much rework the whole damn thing on average once a week. That alone is a sign that I'm just not happy with it.

Beyond that, a thought has occurred: I know how to write resumes for office jobs, and I've been writing my resume for production jobs the same way. Something tells me though that no hiring producer cares about my achievements as an Admissions Counselor or that I did some excellent work for the Cleveland Orchestra for a couple of months or whatever. My production experience is there too, but it's all sectioned off... I gotta change that, because it's just not working out for me.

And then there's the whole cover letter topic, upon which I have heard from two different camps. The first believes cover letters should be no more than two sentences plus contact information, because producers are busy and don't really want to read them. The second believes that a cover letter should always be the best, personalized, formal, sell-yourself work of literature you ever write.

I need help....I really ought to bring it to someone who knows what I can do to make it look better. Aunt J? Maybe. I'll have to ask her... I also need thank you notes to my people from ABC... Can't forget that.

Oh yeah, coming soon/in progress, The Legend of Miss A, part 3!

Absolutely my new favorite word.

The last 24 hours have been sort of a whirlwind! I applied for an internship the day before yesterday, and yesterday I heard back from them by email. The internship was with Anderson Productions, an awesome little company that produces films and tv spots about progressive and humanitarian issues. I got to meet with the boss, Mr. Anderson himself, as well as a really great associate producer. They were so cool. I wish they could pay me, or that I were independently wealthy; I would have loved to work with them. Unfortunately they can't pay me and they would also require me to work two weekdays each week, which cuts into my ability to support myself. This would be fine if it were actual production experience, but it's really mostly research and preproduction. I'd love to do that, but then there's the money thing. Got to pay rent.

Sigh.

Before I decided to turn them down though, I made THE CALL. I have been trying to make this call for over a month. Helplessly I stare at the phone and sigh, wishing I could just pick it up and dial, but placing far too much importance on the stupid call to just make it. Last night, emboldened by my awesome interview at APL (I seriously love those people), I just did it. It went like this:

Me: Hi, [name removed], this is [Miss Adventurous]; I worked with you on [that TV show] last November.

Him: Uh....

Me: I'm [Aunt J]'s niece?

Him: Oh right! What's going on?

Me: Well I'm looking for some work and I was wondering if you knew of anyone who's looking for PAs?

Him: Not really, I'm just working on some commercials...

Me: (pause) Oh, well that's okay. Thanks anyway. Can I use you as a reference?

Him: Sure.

Me: Cool. Thanks a lot. Have a good one.

That's not verbatim or anything...well, almost. But you get the idea. Lame! It was so lame! I had all that telephone anxiety for some stupid lame call! And I get the feeling Aunt J was pulling some tough love out on me by telling me "Call! Just call!" So now I kind of think I'm back to square one. On my own....and wishin' and hopin'. And Tempin'....

So I think it's time to get a real job with actual consistent employment. This temp stuff has all been great up till now (ha!), but today when I spoke to my lady, who has been SUPER great so far.... nothing. No prospects. No ideas. First she said that I'm qualified to make more money. Woohoo! Then she let me down and said something like "It's been a little dry, lately..."

I wonder if that means now that they have to pay me more I'm going to get less work?

[insert grumbling here]