Such a stupid girl.

Why don't you call!?

I stare at my phone and try to telekinetically force it to ring. Stupid boy! Call! Call! Ask me to dinner! Tell me to come over and hang out with you and eat cheap take-out! I crave companionship!

I know what's going on here. I'm lonely. Lonely lonely girl feels so much better about herself when there's someone there to touch and cuddle with. I don't even know the Producer well enough yet to even say if I like him or if I just like having someone there, so I know that it isn't HIM that's causing me to feel this way. It's just me. I want him to think I'm pretty. I want him to think I'm irresistable.

He's smart, and hard to get close to. That's why I'm so googly over him.

The second time I saw him I had to talk to him about something uncomfortable, but I didn't know how to approach the subject. He thought I was girling out and trying to "define the relationship" or something (which I absolutely wasn't - I just didn't really know how to ask someone if he'd been tested for STDs). Then it happened. He said the thing that drove me crazy. He said the words, "keeping it casual."

WHAT? What does THAT mean? I don't have the slightest idea, but I think it means "undesirous of heavy emotional committment." I was undesirous of heavy emotional commitment too, but those words were like a fucking slap in the face. The verbal equivalent of stepping on my shoe. Now instead of cute, sweet cartoon Producer he's turned himself into a challenge. And lord knows I love a damn challenge.

Also, that was the second time I'd ever met him (even though the first time was like forever), so I'm not sure how to take it. Did he just mean at first keeping it casual? Did he mean forever? What is he looking for? And for the love of all that is good and holy, why hasn't he called or talked to me since I left his apartment Saturday morning? After telling me I couldn't come to breakfast with him and his friend??

I'm terrified that he's seeing someone else. Terrified. I can't share. I won't share. I told him, when he said keeping it casual, I told him "well as long as you keep it casual with me and nobody else we'll be okay." But there was no clear yes or no! So how do I know? I'm terrified because of Jarod (forever ago - he really fucked me up) and how he used to lie to me all the time and make me feel so special and then it turned out he'd been screwing half of Wright State every time I turned my head...

I feel sick. I'm going out with some kids from work and then I hope I hope I hope he calls... I text messaged him yesterday but he didn't respond. I wonder if he's as scared of me as I am of him? I wonder if I'm sabotaging myself and saying stupid things and making myself look like an asshole?

I had so much fun on Friday, and I'm glad that Dante met him and he met Dante--and that I was drunk when it happened. I'm glad he whisked me home with him and kissed me about a million times in the morning. It was soooo perfect. And then he sent me home.