We don't like to say flame retardant. We prefer "explosively challenged."

I had the cable guy come today. He gave me Internet access at home, and was really REALLY nice, so I had a pleasant experience. My super, on the other hand...

The nice cable guy had to go access some box in the courtyard of my building. To access the courtyard, he just needed the super to unlock a door for him. So out he goes and after a little while I hear him clanking around with a ladder in the courtyard. I was filing away a massive pile of papers that I've been accruing since I moved in. I got up to get a drink of water, and while in my microscopic kitchen, I noticed the faint smell of gas still emanating from my stove. I thought about it for a minute, sniffed again, and then turned on the fan. I figured I'd wait until the cable guy was gone and then go get the super. No need to panic.

Suddenly, I screamed. There was a man outside on my fire escape! It turned out that the super had fussed at the cable guy for being in the courtyard too long and had told him to use the fire escape, and then locked the door! He locked the door! I was really confused, and apologized to the cable guy. He maintained that it was no big deal, or whatever, and that he wouldn't be much longer.

A few minutes later there was a buzz at my door. It was the super. He mumbled that he had just painted my door and to be careful going in and out....apparently, painting doors is much easier and a bigger priority than sweeping hallways. I let him know about the gas. He muttered about it, but he came in and pulled out the stove to have a look, then he lit a paper towel on fire and put it down near the gas line. I know I'm no expert on natural gas or anything, but COME ON! He could have freaking blown up the entire building! Not to mention the huge mess he made with burnt paper towel in my sink! EUGH! And then, he had the nerve to fuss at my cable guy some more! What the hell!?

The cable guy just kind of placated him and then he left. Then the cable guy looked at me and point blank told me, "Your super is weird. That is not normal at all. You need to tell your landlord."

And I could not agree more.