The reason I started my Legend of Miss Adventurous series is that I am not always 100% truthful with myself about the events of my life. In fact, I'm not always truthful with other people either. Sometime during my childhood I developed a nasty and self-destructive habit of casually omitting certain facts about things to people, even the people I care about the most. And in fact I outright lied about many many many things up until I was about 18. Lied straight to the faces of people I loved and respected, and even lied so much about some things that I started to believe the lies. I've gotten much better about it over the years, but I do still compulsively lie about weird details, particularly to hairstylists and chatty people on airplanes. I really let my hair down with those types of people. I used to make up alter egos in bars, too.
I got on the subway with AIG and Data Guy. The car was nearly empty; they sat down, and I stood in front of them to facilitate conversation. Data Guy asks, "Is that a normal thing for you? Not sitting on the subway when there's a seat available?" Without any forethought I said, "Sure, sometimes. I sit all day, so it's actually kind of nice to stand." The truth? More like this: "No, actually I really look forward to the DeKalb stop every morning, because that's usually when I can get a seat. I'm actually a little exhausted right now from wearing heels all day, but I feel like if I stand here I can talk to you guys easier, and then maybe I'll make a real human connection."
I know that one's not that bad, but here's one for the books! When I was seventeen, I drove my car to the mall to do some Christmas shopping. After the mall, I decided to stop at Old Navy for some completely unknown reason, since I kind of hate Old Navy. While I pulled into my parking space, I completely misjudged the angles, and I hit a truck. Just bumped the corner of its back bumper with the side of my car door. No big, right? Wrong. I KEPT GOING. Like an idiot. I kept going! There was scratching and screeching! I pulled all the way into the space! Afterward, someone GOT OUT OF THE TRUCK. Mortified. I was mortified. There was a massive dent in my car door (that remained there for the duration of the car's lifetime). Luckily, no damage was done to the truck. Embarrassed as hell, I drove home and concocted a tall tale. I burst in the back door with tears streaming down my face and cried to my mom and stepfather: "Someone hit my car and then drove off!"
No joke. I even maintained the truth of that statement as recently as two years ago. I don't know if they still believe it, but they never told me if they don't. That is probably the most extreme case of lying, and I think it may even have been the point when I realized I needed to tone it down a bit.
Really and truly, there is nobody, not my ex-fiance, not my best friend, not even my sister, who knows everything about me. That is fine with me. In fact, I doubt there is anyone who wants to know it all.
Wait...never mind, I take that back. There is definitely one person who wants to know everything about me, and it is indeed someone with whom I am not always forthcoming with the facts of my life. (I'm talking about myself here, in case you're not following.) I guess I feel like if I write everything down, and if I make the information accessible to other people, then I can't change it. And to tell you the truth (yes, the real truth), I think it would all be a big relief, like I had nothing more to hide. And then I wouldn't ever ever lie again, right? Right?
I wish I had the answer to that. And I wish I could be totally and 100% forthcoming on every single tiny detail. The truth, however, is that I am a proud person, and there are things about my life that I just cannot disclose to anyone with broadband Internet access. Originally I intended for this blog to be completely anonymous, but it just isn't working out that way. Not only is my sister my blog's biggest fan, but I also posted a link on Facebook, where I network with (get this) my family. Seriously, my mom is on Facebook. And so are my sweet little cousins. And other family members. Come to think of it...I just took that link off of Facebook.
Not that it's your fault! Oh no no no, don't think for a minute that you spoiled my shot at self-actualization through my super awesome blog by being friendly and familiar or by commenting or even just knowing who I am...not at all. Quite the contrary; it's great knowing I'm not alone in this big scary city in this big scary world, and that there are nice people who are actually on the level. I love the comments I get, I love that people are actually reading this thing, and I think it helps give me the confidence to continue on in search of the truth about who I really am.
One thing I promise though. I have not lied here, and I will not lie here. In fact, I'm just not going to lie period, not even to a manicurist. The whole point of this New York adventure is to find myself, and the real me is definitely not located within a pack of lies.
2 comments:
i was the same way as a child... always embelished stories and flat out made things up to strangers and to my friends... just because.
i don't know if it was an act in hiding myself, or in making myself seem more interesting... but as i've gotten older, i've stopped doing it. if i catch myself adding a number to the number of people that were in attendance, i'll stop the story, correct the mistake and say "i don't know why i just did that"... people usually smile.
but i've stopped (or tried to stop) caring whether or not other people find my stories entertaining. i just write them down, and if someone else joins in on the fun, or relates to what i'm saying, then so be it.
and i think that is what's going on for you a little bit too. so high five sister... keep doooooooing it.
Shit. We are like twins. I had to make a HUGE effort to STOP lying in my early twenties. I still do it, but not to the extent that I used to. To this day though, my husband is amazed at what a good liar I am (I don't lie to him but he sees me lie to others).
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