The grumpy happy person who is a little bashful, often sleepy, and occasionally very very dopey

My Mom called and asked how I was. She just got back from a week in Florida with my grandparents. It was lovely. Did she see manatees? Yes, but they just looked like submerged fuzzy blobs (my mom has MS, and she can't see very well). The dolphins were much more interesting; they jumped out of the water and she could hear them chattering.

So how was I? You're dying to know, aren't you.

I told her I was crappy. I was feeling cantankerous because I didn't get a chance to blog at work today. And Adorable IT Guy (heretofore known as AIG) was out today. Then I got caught up in my book on the subway and missed my stop. And when I got off the subway I had a voice message from JH. Grr.

My mom, having spent thirty years peeling ill-tempered veneers off Salty and I, somehow knew that I'm not really in a bad mood, I'm actually quite well. See, I do this weird thing to my demeanor that involves acting the opposite of how I really feel. If I taunt you incessantly and criticize you, it's means I love you and admire you very much. If I chatter incessantly, it's because I'm nervous and I don't want to do anything stupid. If I don't talk to you it's because I want to know absolutely everything there is to know about you and more. If I complain, I'm in a generally pleasant mood. If I'm acting bitchy and superior, I feel fragile and I'm probably about to cry. The more confident I look, the less confident I am.

(If I say something nice though, I'm genuinely being nice. I don't play that game.)

There's something wrong with all that. It's not okay with me that I act opposite of my feelings, and in fact, it has been a driving force behind many serious conflicts with others. It does, however, ensure that my friends are really good friends who have taken the time to learn about this, my heroic flaw, and who know how to operate within my system. It's kind of like switching to a Mac; it's a little uncomfortable at first, but once you get used to me and learn about all the great things I have to offer I grow on you in spite of the inability to right-click.

Anyway, since I am actually a pretty good-natured person, I'd like to lose the sour puss and start acting in line with my feelings. Trouble is, I'm not really sure how to do it...maybe I'll actively think about it this week and try to just let it flow.

But what if I have to talk to AIG?? Actually, I know I have to talk to AIG tomorrow, he's supposed to help me with a networky thing. Acting how I feel is one thing, but flirting is just way out of my league! Yesterday I asked him to help me with something for my boss and he said I looked like I was irritated with him. Thinking about it now makes me laugh a little, since at the time I sort of had no idea how I could look irritated when my brain kept flashing AIG and me in trashy romance novel cover poses. Thinking about it now though it all makes sense! I was acting irritated, opposite my cheesy, goofy, girly feelings.

I didn't tell Mom about AIG. I told her about speed dating instead.