Shit! I'm doing it again!
Shit!
I had no evening plans this weekend, none at all. You know what I did last night? I watched a Netflix movie (Michael Clayton) and made brownies. Not to eat, mind you--not to eat! I made the brownies...oh, I'm pathetic...I made them to take to work on Monday. I made them to take to work in hopes that AIG will come hang out at my desk.
I winced while typing that.
Number one, I have placed far too much import on this stupid flirting game. Number two, I stayed in all weekend. Number three...brownies? Am I Betty Crocker now? Number four, I STAYED IN ALL F'ING WEEKEND. Shit Shit SHIT. I'm waiting to be rescued. Not good.
I am not supposed to be doing that. I'm supposed to be 'out there.' I'm supposed to be meeting all those cool New Yorkers I came here to meet. I'm supposed to be livin' the dream. I'm supposed to be finding out where all the PAs and ADs hang out. I'm supposed to, you know, have a life. Or something. I didn't move here to watch dvds and wait for a life to fall out of the freaking sky.
I should have been in a bar somewhere drinking cheap non-champagne and smiling lusciously at potential dates who are cuter than AIG and chatting up groups of strangers. I should have been making friends...doing my charming thing.
I'm just so sick of being alone that I can't put up with having to sit in a bar and feel like an asshole for sitting in a bar by myself. I don't want to eat dinner alone in a restaurant. I don't want to be 'out there' on my own. I don't even really and truly want romance. I just want some friends that I can call and say, quite honestly and comfortably, 'Hey, I'm bored and lonely tonight. Can we go out?"
(PDF does not count here. He has a dog and a boyfriend. Going out to him consists of spending two hours or less in a restaurant on the UWS.)
I've been all happy bouncy blogger lately too, trying this new thing where I keep a positive attitude. But no, not today. Not after I woke up this morning and realized how pathetic I've been this weekend. Desperately lonely blogger has reappeared, if only for a few moments, to reach out to the Internet with a measure of honesty--not that I haven't been honest with all my stupid crush and my chipper 'I heart everything' posts, just that there's this side too. Not in absence of minor social anxiety do I get bright and cheery, but in spite of it. So after this spasm of dismal and pathetic gloom I will once again put on my brave smile and step out into New York.
Good thing I'm off to bellydancing shortly. I hope we do shimmy drills today...there's nothing like jiggling your ass with a room full of other jiggling asses to make you feel less alone in the world.
3 comments:
this is so very non-new yorker in new york. i feel this way all the time.
and if it makes you feel any better, i spent all day in my jams watching movie... alone... and skipped out on going to see my favorite singer perform because i had no one to go with.
the longer you're here, the more people you'll meet... good people... it's just the in the meantime that sucks massive donkey balls.
and hell... next time you feel like not being home and not being alone... we can invade a social scene and release our own shenanigans!
Girl, I stay in all the time. On the weekend. And EAT brownies.
You are not sad. You are normal. NYC blows if you're trying to date. No question.
I'm sharing your brain. Seriously.
dactyl - that's really sweet! I'd love to hang sometime! My people will email your people. (:
jm - LOL. You're totally right - even when I was super cool in N.O. and had tons of friends I still stayed in an awful lot. That being said, I'm hankering for a crazy drunk night out!
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