I love how my cheek feels when it's all smooshed against a warm, white cotton t-shirt. I love the sound of torrential rain. I love lazy moments when nothing exists but what is within arm's length. I needed this. I needed a little time for quiet and unobtrusive joy. There are lots of questions about what happens next and what do I want, but now, in this moment, none of that stuff matters. I'm here and I'm content.
It takes two to tango. I've always seen life as me and the world in a delicate dance... I can do anything, can be anything, but only to the extent that the world will let me. I thought that's what it meant to be realistic. Today though, I have a quiet and unobtrusive nature, and I figured out that reality is malleable, and that I have built a reality of endless possibility. It's funny how a fortune cookie with a terrible excuse for a fortune can make you think about such a thing.
It's funny too how I always seem to get what I want, provided I believe in the possibility. I used to get so annoyed with people who tout all that new-age bullshit. I guess I still would, if anyone were touting it to me now... I don't believe in any of that stuff really, but I do think it's nice to believe in possibility, and I do notice and appreciate the correlation between belief and positive results.
I'm not a rich woman, but I am a happy woman. I spend my days working for positive change in the lives of other people, dreaming about my own possibilities and writing. And sometimes--lately more often than not--I get to bask in the glow of someone else being happy too. It feels nice, like being little shiny candle flames in the big, dark, endless-possibility Universe.
I was so quiet the other day, and at the time it made me a little nervous that I wasn't good company. I'm not worried about it anymore though. I feel lucky to have a friend so shiny that I can just shut up for once and passively enjoy the time spent together. Living in the moment doesn't usually come easy to me. It's rare that I let my guard down with others. Although it's easy to say in retrospect, knowing that no harm came from doing so, I'm glad I let go of my boundaries for a little while. It was surprising and I was worried about causing anxiety, but really, it's okay. I'm okay. I just let the wall down...maybe a bit too far.
I'm not dancing with the world today. I'm creating it with an autonomy I never knew I had before...and basking in my own little glow.
3 comments:
Such a beautiful post...
Living in the moment is so damn hard. I tend to only feel like I am doing when I am drinking - which even I know is fucked up and off course.
Aww, thanks, Z!
R - I know what you mean. It's taken me a lot of thought and effort and downright determination to get to this place, and it's kind of weird how one night I just found myself there. A lot of it had to do with letting go of the pressure I'm constantly putting on myself to be what I'm not. Goals are good - real good! - but I've often put myself down for not achieving them, which is just counterproductive. Anyway, this particular moment was really rich with happiness for me, and it was nice to just sink into it without fear or reservation.
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