A very sticky phoenix

When I was a little kid my mom used to play this little game with me nearly every time she sat or laid down on the floor. When it was time to get up she would claim she was "stuck in the glue" so that I would pull her up by her arms and help her off the floor. The game was always more fun when she resisted as much as possible!

I feel like I really have been stuck in some glue lately. The glue is attached to another person. I like the person very much in that way that I like my most awesome and special of friends. It is in that way that I like my crazy helicopter-pilot-ballerina and PDF and Kelley from New Orleans. I don't just like these people, I absolutely love them. Any of them will tell you I place a very high value on relationships, and that I can be very intense with my friendship. They can also tell you it's because I have a hard time relating to most people that they in particular are so very extra special to me.

The glue went sour with PDF many many years ago. He isn't good at handling my intensity the way Helicopter and Banana are. He's narcissistic, and often forgets the fine line between placating and patronizing, which brings out the down side of my intensity...I get fussy when the objects of my affection disappoint me with things like disregard for my feelings. I don't love him any less but I've definitely learned a lesson or two about pedestals and how I should not put people on them, and I certainly no longer expect him to be anything other than the most generous selfish person I know.

Anyway, back to the present day.

I can see the glue getting sour now. I can see myself putting my new friend on a pedestal and expecting to see greatness shining down on me in the form of respect and understanding. I am expecting that the intensity of my feelings of friendship will be seen for what they are. I am expecting to find returned intensity. And I can also see that I am setting myself up for disappointment!

I fear that my new friend is afraid of my intensity. I fear that my new friend thinks it is something it is assuredly not. I fear that I have allowed myself to feel comforted in the presence of my new friend, as if I can stop my pursuit of new adventures and new friends and new places because I have found one of the things I was looking for. I told myself it was because I started working again. Well if that's not a big pile of garbage, I don't know what is.

It's not like I'm going to detach myself. It's not like I'm going to love my new friend any less. I'm just going to keep on diving down those rabbit holes and living like there's no tomorrow and looking for the next adventure, because that's who I am, and even though I wish that all my best friends were the same way, they just aren't. And that's okay.

In fact, it probably makes me look even cooler. Alright!