Dealing with my own Clint Eastwood reality

I stopped dating. Some few weeks or couple months ago I just threw in the towel and quit. I stopped answering phone calls, blocked a few IMs and broke off any other communication with people I'd been out with. I declined a couple invitations, "accidentally" confused the day of a date (lame, I know) and then suddenly, blissfully, it was gone. My whole little (microscopic) dating life just poofed away. It made me happy--like cutting off the little nasty bits of fringe of the back of old jeans that you never got hemmed.

When I began I wasn't entirely sure why I was doing it but I think I may just have been looking for the wrong things in the wrong places. I wasn't really interested in anything more than a distraction from my loneliness. I'm not good at this dating crap anyway. It seems to require some bizarre balance of opening up to someone without getting "too close." It makes me feel like both parties are expendable and immediately replaceable which, I think, is opposite of the kind of human interaction that actually feels good.

I am uncomfortable with all the stupid effing rules too, like who pays for what and what that means and what you can't talk about and where you meet and when you call and stupid stupid blah blah blah. I don't want to feel like I'm being judged in the Miss Desirable pageant anymore. Maybe I don't want to be desirable. How come I can't just be my crazy, wacked-out, overaffectionate, space cadet self and if you don't like it, fuck you?

That's kinda where I am right now, with everyone and anyone. I finally get that the world does not really care, so why bother caring so very much? I'll just keep falling on my face, or finding people I don't really honestly care enough about. I don't need to make friends with them--I have plenty of friends, and I'd rather have those. And as for the friends, if they want me they'll call. If they don't call they're not my friends, so why bother? I think I'll let someone else make the effort for a change, and I'll just work on getting some stuff done for myself.

It isn't particularly warm or fuzzy or whatever, but it allows me to feel like I'm not compromising myself or wasting my effort. So far, it's really working out for me; I've been spending some time with my friends and it's been good. Sometimes, like tonight, they all seem to be too tired to go out or otherwise occupied, but whatever. I'll just wander the streets alone. I don't enjoy it nearly as much as when I'm with a friend, but at least I'll be spending my time doing something I like.

kyle the girl
(on iPhone)

PS - The picture came from iamnotfunny's DeviantArt page. Go enjoy, I did!