Not so mighty hunter

A few moments ago my cat caught a black bug about as big as my pinky fingernail. Then she let it go and it leapt across the floor at an impossible speed. Then she caught it again. Then she let it go again. You know how it is with cats and their prey.

I freaked out. My heart started racing, I was kind of terrified. I snatched up a shoe with a wooden sole and held it out in front of me defensively. The moment it lay out in the open I shooed Penny away and smashed the thing as hard as I could on the carpeted floor. I was terrified this would not kill it. I was in panic mode as I removed the shoe and jumped back. I whimpered nervously as I approached it to ensure it had died. It wasn't moving so I looked closely at it - it was a fly. It had been scampering because she'd managed to remove its wings somehow. Disgusting, but harmless! I'm not afraid of a common housefly!

If you want to idolize me for any reason, please stop reading now.

I scare pretty easily. My entomophobia aside, I just have two bad habits that line up for the perfect storm: I overthink things and I care very very much about my relationships with my friends. When those relationships are threatened I become upset, terrified of losing someone. Unfortunately a Dr. Scholl's sandal is not an effective defense mechanism for this fear .

Thinky Face has become a good friend of mine. She's a really amazing person, really interesting and funny and sweet and caring and smart--I could go on and on with complimentary adjectives. I think the world of her and love her very dearly. About a month ago we were out at that tiki bar we hang out at and she met some dude. She's been seeing him, even though she yaks on and on about not wanting a boyfriend. Now she's spending time with him and I'm afraid that's going to leave me all lonely and sad. Ouch, my heart hurts. I'm scared!

He's a really nice guy, and I have absolutely no cause to dislike him. He's really sweet, he does nothing but nice things for her, he even does nice things for me. He very clearly wants me to like him. I do like him. But I've gotten pre-emptively angry about losing Thinky to him - and it hasn't even happened. And I really have nothing to lose in the first place! It's not like I have any claim to her or her time.

This is stupid, right?

Helicopter came down for the weekend and she watched my bitter, grumbly, and completely unpleasant behavior. She knew exactly what was happening because A)she's my best friend and of course I told her how much I like Thinky and B)she's watched me do it before--more than once, I am ashamed to admit. Thankfully she has the patience of a saint and talked it out with me today with an admonishment that was far gentler than I deserved. I was a Bitch to that poor guy, with a capital B. Someone really should punch me in the face. Really. I'd feel better.

I think I have identified my biggest flaw. I'm determined now to overcome it.

I like all my friends very much, but because I place so much importance on having those friends my behavior can get possessive and desperate and panicky, and I can't imagine that's very fun to be around. I don't need to worry that people will stop loving me. I don't need to assume someone doesn't like me anymore if I don't hear from him for a few days. I don't need to be so afraid of being alone. Alone is okay. Alone is good and necessary, even! Today I've used my alone time to check Facebook, to text message with some people, to e-mail Aunt J, to call Mom, to blog, knowing other people will read the blog...see a pattern? The alone time is spent seeking out other people to keep me company.

Thinky is very dear to me, but so what if she stops hanging out with me? I don't think she will, but the worst-case scenario is that she does. That's not the dude's fault--she could stop spending time with me anyway. She probably will too, if I keep acting like a spoiled child whose toy has been taken away.

So in the worst-case scenario I start going to the tiki bar by myself. I start having lunch after dance class by myself. I go have antics by myself, I goof around by myself, I take in the sights by myself and probably meet some new people along the way. And if I never hear from those people again I don't panic and worry I'm not cool enough or smart enough or funny enough, I breathe and relax and go do something else by myself. And if I'm lonely it's okay. Nobody can fault me for that, not even me.

I have plenty of friends and they're all really wonderful people; something tells me that they won't let me get too lonely. I like myself a lot, but I think there's definitely some room to improve that particular relationship. I think if I start allowing myself more real alone time I'll get to know me better and get comfortable being with myself and nobody else. And if I start to miss people they'll still be there. No need to panic.