I Come From the Isle of Misfit Toys

I had a really good thing going for a while. I had my guard up, I was interested in the people I saw but I kept them at an arm's length, kept them away from my life and didn't get my hopes up. They came and went, sometimes at their discretion sometimes at mine, but it wasn't ever that big a deal. I wasn't looking for my next great romance or anything, just for a good time.

Then there was North Dakota. I don't want to get into the details, but here are the points - 1) I knew better than to get involved with this guy before I got involved, 2) I ignored my better judgment 3) It didn't work out, and 4) I felt pretty fucking dumb for ever having relented to him in the first place. This is certainly not the first time I've done that either. There's a lot of that in my history, of glossing over problems and making excuses for others. "Oh fiddle-de-dee, I'll think about it tomorrow!"

The depression wasn't really about North Dakota, it was about feeling powerless to change the cycle and about fearing that I am too fucked up, that I will never be able to be happy in love because I'll just never be able to be happy. When I arrived here in New York I was so happy to have my freedom, to be my own woman and not depend on someone else to make sense out of my world...but now that I'm ready to try not being alone anymore things are all jumbled up again. I'm suspicious of anyone who shows interest in me. I mean - who on earth would ever want a crazy girl? If you bought me in a store you'd take me back and ask for a new one. I'm not totally broken, but I definitely belong on the scratch n' dent shelf. I'm a train with square wheels.

Enough melodrama. The reality of the situation is that I am just fine on my own. Just fine. My wheels might be square, but they give me character, and I still get around okay. It might be a little lonely on this here island, but at least I know who my friends are. And the other stuff...it will come. There's no rush, no need to make excuses, and no reason I can't keep chugging along on my own.