Initiatora frustratis

When I was in first grade reading class, Mrs. Bishop told me it was rude to raise my hand for every question, that I should let other children have the chance to answer. Even for a seven-year-old, this seemed like stupid advice in a class full of timid little non-readers who didn't even raise their hands, much less know the answers to the oral quiz at the end of the assignment. I wasn't trying to show off, after all, it's just that nobody else would speak up, and I felt that someone ought to take the initiative.

Flash elevenish years forward to my summer college orientation session. A group of us sat in a lounge playing a game of truth or dare prompted by our orientation "leader," a junior who seemed all-too excited to give up precious time with her sorority sisters to play matchmaker to the freshmen. The "leader" dared Three First Names (who actually did become my boyfriend later) to give one of the girls a lapdance. TFN was a tall, cute hippie and I certainly wasn't the only young lady who noticed his finer features, but nobody volunteered to be the orientation leader's scapegoat. Frustrated that they were taking it too seriously, I opened my mouth and yapped, "Oh for crying out loud, I'll do it!" Until this time I was by far the shyest person in our group (think Ally Sheedy), and a dozen pairs of eyes peered at me incredulously. TFN said that was the moment he decided to pursue me...apparently he liked girls who took initiative with him. Later when we broke up I coldly told him the truth, "it really had nothing to do with you, you know. I just wanted to get the hell away from those obnoxious twits in our group." Hell hath no icy, disdainful fury like the girl you fucked every day for months before calmly telling her you never really cared about her. Lies. So many lies.

Anyway.

I don't mean to take initiative with people, I don't even really like doing it, but I keep doing it out of a lack of patience. I'm always eager to get to the next chapter of a thing, and it drives me crazy when people move at a snails pace on something that I want (see? perfect career choice). Banana Payroll and I had a long chat about initiative over a bottle of Malbec last night, the gist of which was the following:

A) If you want something it is imperative to initiate action, or you will probably not get it.

B) It gets really annoying when you're always initiating to spend time with people and they don't initiate in turn.

C) If someone wants to hang out with you, then that person will in fact initiate, provided you are patient and offer them an opportunity.

D) Patience is not a strong suit for either of us because:

E) (see letter A)


You see, it's a vicious, circular dilemma.

But it's also the entire reason Banana and I became such good friends in the span of about two months. We both agree, it was much better to skip the awkward just-how-good-of-friends-are-we, see-each-other-once-every-three-weeks stage and just jump right in to hanging out once a week at minimum. It was easier this way. There was a total avoidance of having to spend time getting comfortable, and instead we spent our time being comfortable. This works out great, since time is such a valuable commodity for us crazy production people. Initiation was constantly reciprocated, thus our positive inclinations toward one another were validated, thus we became comfortable. It's all about validation.

Hey, validation! Waitaminute... clearly this has something to do with self confidence issues.

Okay, backtrack to the dilemma outline. I think there is a disconnect there. I think the dilemma is not exactly circular. Now that I've identified the way I've been thinking about it, here's another way I could approach it, and maybe change the grabby-whiny-persistent poking of my friends:

A) If I want something of my own it is imperative to take initiative. If I want something shared with someone, like a friendship, it is important to share initiative.

B) Being mindful of others' boundaries and trusting my own awesomeness is just as important as keeping lines of communication open

C) If I am mindful and trusting, rather than egocentric and demanding the resulting patience will enrich time spent with my friends, and quality tops quantity every time.

D) If I find myself impatient or lonely I can spend my time attending to my personal needs, which I often pass over in favor of social time.

E) Hey look, there is no E!


Now I feel better! I'm gonna go do some Letter D and put away my laundry. Or maybe (gasp!) I'll take a little disco nap.