Hiding in the Fortress of Solitude

I'm so afraid that I avoid him. I cling to him like glue when he's with me but when we're apart I don't call him, I don't send emails, I don't text. I only IM (our primary method of communication) in moments of weakness or excitation; otherwise I wait for him to come to me. It's pride. I fear making a fool of myself chasing rainbows.

So far he keeps coming back. More often than I expect. Stronger than I expect. Every time I steel myself for disappointment he surprises me by wanting to see me and humoring my silly ideas. He even let me take him out to meet my friends without complaint, despite the location being out of his comfort zone. He knows I'm scared, he recognizes it in my face and he holds me tight. I cried again, and when he asked why for the third time I told him I am terrified of getting hurt, barely grazing the surface of the matter. I wanted to pour everything out to him, but I just don't trust him enough yet. He kissed away my tears and told me not to be embarrassed for crying. He didn't lie and say he'd never hurt me, but he asked if he'd done anything to make me believe he would. Of course he hasn't--he is consistently patient and gentle. But when patient and gentle people hurt you it's worse because it isn't deliberate and it's never their fault. Who does that leave to blame?

Nightmarish scenarios pop into my head in which he tells me I'm nothing to him and he's just using me...but those are my words, not his. My rational mind interprets his soft kisses and caresses as the sweet things I actually want to hear. Still, I won't ever ask what he thinks of me because I'm afraid of what I'll hear. It's too soon to expect any kind of clarity on the subject anyway. I'm still trying to clarify my own feelings--clearly.

He likes my body, which is astonishing to me. He has this way of running his hands over my skin that makes me feel like he's building a force field to protect me from harm as, brick by brick, we dismantle my Fortress of Solitude. I kiss his hands because they make me feel safe, because they tear me down and build me up stronger. I cling harder to him. He wraps his arms around me. I feel safe. Wanted. Then suddenly the terror comes back and I am crippled by the thought of being left alone with no force field, my Fortress having been broken down by his tenderness.