Confusing garble. Gargle. Garble.

 Copied from my phone. I think I wept these words into the dictation.

When you are great you are SO great. That's the Justin I missed. The one that makes me feel appreciated and respected and beautiful and strong. I love that man. I'm always gonna miss him. But I'm not gonna miss the guy that has treated me with very little respect. It's OK, I understand. I didn't really respect myself. I fucked up. I made decisions for the wrong reasons. Yes, I came here for my sister my family and my business but I also came here on the hope that you and I were going to be something  real. It was a stupid move. It was not something I did for my self. But I'm owning it and moving forward. What more can I do? I hope to hell I see that great guy again someday.

OK so I lied. You're not going to see me I again because I'm moving or whatever. I honestly have no idea where my life will take me next and that's very exciting and I'm happy about it. I wanted something real with you, and I thought you wanted that too, but You have made it more than clear that you don't want or can't do that. In spite of trying to stop I have not stopped wanting something real with you, but you have made it clear that on your end it's not going to happen. So I need to move on. I do not have time for this and I need to do better for myself

And in a moment of drunkenness, yes, I confess, I missed you. I wanted to see you. I wanted the feeling that I used to get before I moved here when you were so wonderful and treated me like I was something really special. But it's not going to happen for whatever reason, I don't know. Maybe you don't want to, maybe you aren't ready, maybe it's just that I get so upset when you treat me disrespectfully. I do not know. What I do know is that I need to move on, I need to do better for myself. I can't wait around and I'm not going to.

OK so maybe you don't care, but you know I can't leave anything unspoken... The real reason you won't see me again is not quite that I'm leaving, it's that I need to let go of you. I left New York on my own, but I came to Ohio for you. I was really sold on this idea that you wanted to be with me and have that house with the garden and the porch and the chickens and I came here, closer to you, hoping for that life. Almost as soon as I arrived it became obvious you don't want to or can't have that with me. I'm okay with that, and I'm also okay admitting I messed up by changing my life for you instead of doing what's best for me. And yes I miss you, but it doesn't mean I'll fuck you in a car after being ignored and pushed away, it means I really miss you. I miss talking to you and feeling like you were on my team and appreciated me. I miss hearing about your day and your little domestic fantasies and being the person you called when you needed someone--that's the man I want to fuck in a car or the woods or an alley next to a bar or in a walk in refrigerator. There's a Justin who stares at me like I'm the last woman on earth and makes fun of of my fretting and seriousness and can melt me with a word. I will always miss that Justin, he is wonderful and amazing and made me feel like I could handle anything. That part of you is like a drug for me...nobody has ever made me feel so wanted. But I've got to stop hoping there's love there. I can't see you.