I am so so so so so proud and happy!
Just when I was ready to send a text message to tell John it was over and never to call me again, he asked to see me, so even though I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself and never to call me again, I agreed to a time and place and made the time to go.
We went and I immediately insisted to the bartender that our checks were separate and that I'd pay my own way, and then he got all flustered and bothered and was so visibly shaken, so I just put my hand on his shoulder and smiled and said, "John, it's not working, and that's okay." He did a double take.
And I was strong for both of us.
I told him I was angry about the way I'd been treated, how when I heard from him saying "I'm ready to talk now, want to meet up tonight?" I had wanted to just reply "No, I don't," and then never talk to him again but I felt like we needed to do this and get it done. I said I had thought about coming into our meeting guns blazing, ready to make him feel as small as he had made me feel. He said I had missed an opportunity... to stick it to him, I guess? But I smiled and said "Maybe, but that's not worth it." I knew he was sorry. He said as much. He said he felt guilty, that he knew he had been treating me in a way that made him cringe when he heard about other people doing it. He said he felt bad about being one of those people.
Instead of chiding him and telling him how bad he is, I gave him some truth - I had known it was over for a month, but had been holding on because my therapist had been telling me to, because every time I gave up he came back, because all I could do was take what he said at face value.
And more truth: I am happy and grateful for the time we had together. He was so surprised, but seemed reassured and heartened by that. And I thanked him for helping me find my boundaries and told him how meaningful it had been to hang on and trust him even when I was sure it was over and wanted to bolt, and how this had been the first time in many many many years - 10 years (thanks Kevin) - that I had actually tried to make something work. And I told him that it had been good for me to try. And that I was so glad it had been with him.
He started to explain his feelings and then stopped himself saying I didn't want to hear them. That was pretty true...but also I wondered if it would help me find closure to have an explanation, so I said if he should say what he had to say, so he told me how he'd come to the decision, that it wasn't someone else, that it had nothing to do with me, that there was nothing about me he didn't like. He said he just really for the first time ever understood why people say the need some time alone, and that he needs to be alone and figure himself out. I think it was good for him too that he got to say his piece of it out loud to me. Good for both of us.
I asked for a hug. It was a big hug. A long hug. I cried just a little, quietly into his shoulder. And then pulled away and smiled at him and said "That was it."
"What?" He shifted from nervous to confused.
"That was the big emotional outburst."
I laughed and brushed the tears from my cheeks. He inhaled and shook his head, and for a moment it felt like he was in awe before he eased into a smile. "Kyle, you are one impressive lady."
We both agreed that we liked each other and wanted to be friends. I set a boundary and told him I would need some time, but I think eventually that would be good. When I read this back, I need to remind myself that I should reach out to him eventually. Maybe we can see some movies together or do some activism.
When we left he hugged me quickly and awkwardly, like he didn't know what to do. I let it go and walked away but then... I realized this was the last chance I'd have to kiss him goodbye, so I turned around and shouted his name. And I ran to him in my heels and kissed him quickly on the lips and gave him another hug. "Thanks," he stammered. "It wasn't for you." I smiled and whispered goodbye and turned around and left, a little sad, but more than anything feeling proud that I could be vulnerable like that and take what I needed.
I am sad because I will miss him and the place he held, but I am so so proud and confident now. I hung in through the hard parts and tried--really tried for the first time ever--and I didn't give in to my fear and still honored my boundaries. I also really do feel those feelings of gratitude and can see that it's okay to be sad and happy at the same time. It was so hard to push through this without bailing out, but I can see now how it was worth working through some pain to finally be understood and appreciated and grateful and at peace with the whole process.
It was so nice to reconnect with him in a place of honesty with ourselves and each other. I'm so proud of myself for sticking with it and trusting even when it was hard, and I'm happy that even though it didn't work out, I got to experiment and try to make something work and really be a grownup in a relationship with another grownup. And I'm glad it was with him, because he gave me the space and support to work through all that stuff even while he was disengaging.
And, happy dance, it's over! Relief! Ice cream! Then moving on to find someone even better!
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