sorry

​I’m sorry I lashed out at you yesterday. I did get an abnormal pap test, and I did feel an obligation to tell you, but I did not handle it right. This is no excuse, but I was already feeling super hurt and embarrassed over the other stuff, and then the hurt and embarrassment of this situation and of having to again be the one to reach out in the context of the other stuff… it just broke me.

So context. Here’s the other stuff. 

At the new year I was full of hope! You said it seemed like your time issues were over and I hoped that meant our communication would no longer be one-sided, and hoped that we could start over and that things might be more like they were before whatever happened that night we went to the Esters—or maybe it was something that happened at Comic Con? I don’t know. But before that, we talked every day and you shared your ideas and I felt like a part of your life!

For a little while it seemed like maybe things could be different…I still wasn’t hearing from you very much, but it was a start, and then we worked through the making a date bit… But the last time I saw you was like a cacophony of mixed messages… you wanted to see me but it was a huge crazy problem to just make a plan. You kissed me and were physically affectionate but you were also harshly critical of my home, my ideas, and even my feelings when I shared them. You said you couldn’t stay and then initiated sex. You said “I don’t know about that” when I told you my fantasy about belonging to someone. You leapt out of bed to leave in a hurry and then stayed and fucked me again… and then almost literally fled. You didn’t even want the little present I got you. I know it is a silly kitschy little plastic thing, and that might not mean much to some people I guess. But I spent that whole trip thinking about you after I got your message on the plane and working up to the decision to open myself back up to you after I was so hurt last fall. It was just a little trinket but to me it was also an offering of much more, and it hurt that you left it. 

And since then I’ve found myself initiating all the contact and getting little to no response, even to the level of being ignored. I know you’re busy, but we make time to reach out when we like someone. I’ve been a fool before with this sort of thing and I’ve been strung along... It taught me to see signs that say I’m not wanted. 

Maybe I’ve read this all wrong. Maybe you still feel the way you felt that weird day we went to the play and I told that strange drunk man that I thought I loved you. Or maybe there’s just too much of my ex still in my head telling me that nobody else will ever love me. Maybe it was all fine before and now I’ve finally fucked it all up beyond repair. 

I think I made a real effort, gave all the chances…and it feels like my interest has been met with ambivalence. And I need to be with someone who wants to be with me. Not “perhaps” be with me but “hell yes” be with me. “Perhaps” says you’re no longer interested in seeing me, but that you might fuck me if it’s convenient, and you don’t even respect me enough to just say so. Which…well, to use your words, I am a person. It is a really sucky shitty horrible feeling to matter so little to someone you care about so much.

I do care. I will keep caring. I am the kind of person who has to move a mountain inside to let myself care about someone and then has to move an entire range of mountains to close that door once it’s been opened. I wish you saw how big my heart is. I have seen yours before, and I miss it. I really believe you’re an amazing man inside and out. I really wish I believed you could want me. 

So I care, and I’m sorry I lashed out at you yesterday. The health stuff is salt in the wound, but they are two separate conversations and I should have handled them separately. But honestly in the context I had very little hope that you would have a conversation with me at all.