Okay, so I've been at this job for two of five weeks. I'm starting to feel the burn...gotta find work to stay afloat. Should I wait tables (horror)? Should I depend on the temp agency to find me something (anxiety)? Should I try to defer my student loans (guilt)? Should I apply for another office job (groan)?What I really want is another PA job to help my enthusiasm. I'm feeling a lot of financial pressure (surprise!) and I would like to feel a little secure. I don't mean "salaried employee" secure; rather I would like to feel some kind of validation that I didn't make the decision to uproot my entire life, to leave everything I had worked long and hard for, only to make mediocre money temping as an administrative assistant.
Following my dreams is so much nicer on paper. I knew all of these feelings were going to come and I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn't know about the Writers' Guild Strike. And then when it came, I didn't realize how much it would permeate the availability of jobs.
Still, I wonder if I'm using the strike as an excuse not to look harder. Every day I tell myself that I'm going to send resumes out or do research or write a letter. But every day I'm so tired and worn out by the time I get home that all I want to do is sleep. And then I can't sleep...I just putter around until midnight or so and then force myself to lay there worrying about how I'm going to find work. And right before I fall asleep I tell myself, "Tomorrow will be the day. Tomorrow I'll find one person I want to work for and I'll write that person a letter." I do this over and over.
I thought maybe today would be the day. I dressed up cute today. I straightened my hair. I thought maybe, just maybe I'll find somewhere to go, and then I'll go there and meet someone nice. And that person will be a hiring manager for a tv show--a really GOOD tv show that will be on for a long time. And then I'll suddenly, magically have a job. Within the next year, I will be selected for the DGA trainee program, then after that I'll be a second AD. Then, eventually I'll move up again, but that's as far as this particular fantasy goes...although UPM is looking like a nice career choice to me. It's nice and organizy--and I'm good at organizy stuff.
So I thought this would be the day. The day I met a magic person or wrote a magic letter (to who, I don't know) or...had some magic epiphany about how to meet the right people. But then the lawyer I'm assisting at this temp job asked me to stay late. The temp agency told me I would generally have to stay until 6 unless specified otherwise, so I can't say no. Not that 6 is the end of the world...it's just that I'm always so tired.
I can feel already that I won't be up to going out tonight. And even if I was up to going out...who would I go with? By myself? Where would I go? I have no idea! I'm overwhelmed with being alone. So overwhelmed, so alone....
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