"BOOM!"The cats just made a beeline for the bed, crawling underneath it to what they think is safety from the thunder and lightning and torrential rain outside.
I just hung up. I was on with The Grecian for two hours. Giggling and babbling and loving each other simultaneously over MySpace and the phone. For two hours. She called at 7:44. She called because I was crying. She knew because I texted her that I was crying. She asked.
It's so nice to feel like I can lean on someone for a little while, to have someone to giggle with again. To have someone to tell me stories about the ridiculous things that are out there, things that are so much more awful than anything I have to deal with.
I don't write about those things--those people, I guess--because I don't care about them. It's lackluster. I go, I make pleasant conversation, I pretend to be interested, but I'm just not, because I just have too much else going on. Bad music, cheap drinks, boring talk...it turns me on autopilot. I'm not there anymore. I'm wondering who to talk to about my next job, thinking about my documentary thing, wondering how to get The Big Idea going... And then suddenly I'm back, fending off a physical advance or muttering an excuse about how I have to be somewhere. Only once has my robotic lack of enthusiasm been recognized for real apathy. We talked about it, and my emotional impotence was understood. I felt better.
My only mistake right now is biting off more than I can chew.
I don't have time for them. I don't really want to get to know them. I'm going through the motions because I feel like I have to, or like I owe it to myself. I'm trying to make up for lost time. But my heart is just not in it, and I'm sick of going through the motions. And above and beyond that, I just don't have the time to get to know someone new! I really just want to settle in to what I have, my friends-my dear, sweet friends--and be done with it.
But I just hate being alone in a thunderstorm. It would be nice to have someone here to cuddle with and play video games.
"BOOM!"
3 comments:
For me, what worked was to stop looking, stop trying... And nearly immediately, he fell into my lap. (Well, me into his, technically... That's what dancing on a bar in a red dress and cowboy hat gets ya)
But yes - it's always nice to have someone to hold during the thunder... And last night, for me, it was my puppy ;)
Oh, no no no no!
I don't WANT a relationship. NO. I do not want that. I do not. Not not not. It's more that I'm feeling the absence is all. My tears were more of a temper tantrum than anything! I'm not looking for a relationship, just more for something casual and fun...with someone who doesn't cancel on me every time we make plans. But unfortunately the reality is that I just don't have the time and neither does anyone else.
You know, I feel like I barely have time to take a shower these days. But that is not really true. I know i can make more time for what is important. You on the other hand, really are one of the busier people I know, but I know you will make time for launching that next dream. Saturday mornings are a good brainstorming time and if you ever want a cafe work buddy - give me a call.
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