Relieved to see my Auntie

Last Saturday I went to Planned Parenthood to get my IUD. I was excited and happy. I got there, filled out my paperwork, then peed in a cup for the standard pregnancy test that you take when seeking birth control. I filled out some more paperwork, then they called my name. The lab tech handed me my test results and sent me downstairs.

In the elevator I was humming a happy tune, very eager to have my five years of freedom. Then I noticed something; my humming trailed off and my smile turned into a quizzical look. I verbally expressed my curious incredulity..."HUH??"

The paper said I was pregnant.

Let's backtrack, shall we? The Producer and I had our reunion brunch on Memorial Day, when neither of us was working. We were going to try to make a museum, but he was hung over from a party, so we settled on brunch and a walk. After a pleasant, slightly nervous meal, we traveled through SoHo and the Village. I said I'd walk him to the gate (thereby announcing my intention to not have sex with him again). He countered by inviting me up. I coyly declined. He kissed me and pulled me through the gate. I thought about it for a minute, but said no again. He gently pushed me against the brick wall and kissed me again, slid a hand down toward the hem of my dress and whispered that I wouldn't be sorry if I said yes. This time I said, "Do you have any champagne?"

So I'll spare the details, but I'll mention that we used a condom. Once again, protection was used. Also, I was on the last day of my period and NOT ovulating. NOT. OVULATING. I haven't had sex with any other men in two months, either. This was the only time.

I think this brings us back to the elevator. Quizzical look. Curious incredulity. "HUH??"

The nurses were equally perplexed by my story, especially when I took a second test and it came up with the faintest of faint positives. They mentioned that perhaps it was a pregnancy that wouldn't implant? Anyway, I couldn't get my IUD, and since I couldn't do anything about being pregnant for two more weeks if I was and since my period was expected in a few days, they suggested I wait a week and come back for my IUD as if everything was normal.

It all sounded so reasonable, until seven hours later, after dance class, when I crumbled into a little heap of tearful and frightened Kyle on the bathroom floor. Luckily Mama Squirrel and the Grecian were there to help me pick up the pieces and Thinky Face gave me a cigarette to calm me down and then we all drank strong mojitos.

Yesterday I cursed myself for not taking the blood test they offered me. I ate like a hog and could not stop snacking even though I was full. I figured it was stress but worried that my body was trying to fuel cell division within my uterus. Last night I imagined trying to tell the Producer I was pregnant. I couldn't imagine it...the one person I've ever met who completely agrees with me about kids...

Today I made myself busy to keep my mind off things; I went on four hours' worth of runs and made copies and organized and cleaned. Then around 5:30 I got my period. My heart soared with relief! I have never before been so happy to bleed!

It's particularly bad. The cramps are worse than usual and I feel kind of weak. I thought a few times today that I might pass out. I felt too tired to go home. If I had a dumb 9 to 5 job I might stay home tomorrow.

But oh! I am so happy to have Aunt Flo back!