More in the same vein

See, it's not so much that I'm suicidal. I'm not. I don't have the desire to kill myself. I can't even fathom how to do it painlessly, and I'm too much of a wuss to do it otherwise. And also my survival instinct remains intact - I'm not purposefully putting myself in dangerous situations or anything.

It's more that I'm having trouble seeing a point. This all feels very futile to me. I don't really understand what my end goal is, except professionally. And then what? I've been working so long trying to be a PA, now here I am doing it and now what? Try to be an AD? Sure...but then what? Go for UPM, right? Great. But THEN what?

It feels very much like so many mice on so many wheels inside so many cages.

I guess the answer to "Then what?" is love, right? Sharing with other people, making other lives better, that kind of thing. But I have that. I have that with my family and with my friends, and it isn't really all that fulfilling to me. I mean, I like it don't get me wrong. But I want a companion. It's been a long time since I've had one and I miss it.

Him...He doesn't want that with me. Like He said, He can't promise me anything. And that's okay. I wish He did because He fits my requirements, but it's okay. It doesn't have to be Him. There are plenty of others out there. I think it bothers Him because He saw the emptiness inside me when I cried in his bed. He saw it all gush out of me: two years of aches and pains, side effects of the hard work I have done just to live normally and for myself. He knows I feel incomplete and hollow and all those lovely things, and I think He's sorry He can't help. I don't mean I want someone to fix me so much, I just mean I want someone to be the other piece of my puzzle. Someone to be nearby so it isn't so hard for me as I continue to rebuild myself from the inside out. Or maybe just to rub my sore shoulders once in a while, and pet my hair if I have to cry. But I never asked Him to be that person, nor did I expect Him to be.

The truth is that I don't really believe that anyone who fits my requirements would actually step up and volunteer. I don't think any of the puzzle pieces that fit...I don't think they want to fit with me. I find that frustrating. Especially when I see the kind of dumb hos they actually try to fit with.

But it makes sense. Dumb girls are too vapid to have dark and hollow voids. Dumb girls don't make boys go on adventures. Dumb girls make even regular boys seem smart. Dumb girls make wussy girly boys feel like manly men. Dumb girls let boys have an easy life and pretend that they're awesome...because next to a dumb girl, anyone is awesome.

Wow, that just made me really glad I'm still single, because by this logic I'm probably very awesome.