Ain't no title.

Alright, steel yourself for a moment.  Approach this mentally, not emotionally, because if you don't you won't understand my meaning.

It's not that I want to die. It's just that I feel like death would be better than what I've got now, which is nothing.

I have no money, I have no love, I have so little happiness. The only thing I really find gratification in is my work, and there's so little work available right now and for the next few months.

A year ago I thought maybe running would yield some results, maybe if I lost some weight and saw some results as an athlete... But I'm still where I was then. Even though I look good and feel good I'm still nowhere when it comes to my life. Even in my work, the best part of my life, I'm still the low man on the totem pole of things. I work so hard, hoping that ship will come in...but it doesn't. I'm starting to wonder if it ever will.

And still I don't really feel depressed. I feel more like this is all just a matter of fact.

I'm going to go running now. There's a little part of me that hopes I get killed in an accident.  It's horrible! I know! But in this very cerebral way it makes sense.