Inside out

I did it again!

I got too wrapped up in some dude and lost sight of the goals. What are the goals?

• Seek Truth
• And Make Art to Share What I Find
• Improve My Self
• Play - Celebrate Life with Joy
• Give Goodness to Others

I'm also pretty inspired to get involved in things that make the world better. I feel like my art and writing thus far has been really internal, primarily focused on self awareness and discovery and my preoccupations with loss and love and being "enough." I would like to expand my expression to include the many things outside of the self. The world is so much bigger than that!

Seek Truth: 

• I have been voraciously reading. Right now I am reading Anarchy and Other Essays. Admittedly, this is prompted by John's discussion of anarchy, but I like the idea of expanding my political knowledge to understand it better. Also he raised a good point, that more extreme views push the middle, and I have to admit that I'm pretty behind most of what I've read so far. 

Share Truth: 

• I spent two hours yesterday working on my screenplay. That felt great! Since I'm thinking so much about how to Save the World or Whatever I am a little uninspired by the content - it's an ensemble-style comedy about a family executing a will - but that's okay. Work creates inspiration. If I continue to work on it, I will either find a way to make it say what I want it to say or I will get inspired to write something else.
• I am also feeling the painting-photo bug, but that might be because I don't have any art on the walls in my house.

Improve: 

• I'm still making 36ish miles a week and am feeling pretty fit, although I have slipped up with the strength training I was doing twice a week and the JasYoga I'm paying for. I will do a little of that when I wrap up writing this. 
• I'm also using BetterHelp to talk to a therapist. I started because I felt I needed help with my anxieties about networking for work but honestly... most of what I talk about is my relationship with John, which is a little disappointing because I think I should care more about other things than whether a guy likes me. But! Here's some progress: I accept that I need a lot of help feeling secure when I really really want something, whether that's a job, a PR, a steadicam workshop or a relationship with a man I care about. I understand that this insecurity comes from a long history of feeling victimized, and I also understand that I can choose whether or not I am a victim. As a side note, this process also helped me realize just how much sexual violence is in my past and how that may have fucked up my ideas about self worth and relating to men, and now that I see it, hopefully I can move past it.

Play: 

• This one is much easier... I'm continuing to participate in the most fun parts of hashing, the costume stuff. I also have tickets to the Horned Ball coming up in a few weeks and am thinking about a costume for that. I may re-work my Valkyrie costume from the Boston viking run a few years back.

Give Goodness: 

• I'm planning to go to a political meeting tonight to see if there is some participatory action I can take to help Save the World or Whatever. 
• I also asked my mom to go to the March for Our Lives event on Saturday during her visit and she said yes! I'm happy about that, and really impressed with her.
• I am working on writing a piece for Salty Running about how running fits in when the world is raging in chaos around us and there are wars and nuclear missiles and racism and refugees all over the planet. I'm still not sure it does, but I think it does. I'm trying to workshop it a little bit. I don't want to make it about how running is self care... I want to make it about how running connects us to the world around us and makes us participants instead of reactionaries.