what’s fair

​So I took a tier job as a second AC, and I knew going in that it wouldn’t be easy, but it’s been a total mess. Production does not understand how to do this. They only prepped for 2 weeks, they didn’t hire payroll until Monday (we were supposed to start shooting Monday but we pushed a day!), none of the office staff have been paid, the PAs didn’t get start work until today, the union contracts weren’t signed until Monday night and our first week we’re doing a fraturday when we’ve been interior for three days. With no A/C and a definite fire hazard’s amount of humans in one apartment. That we can’t access from outside without an escort who has keys to every door, elevator and stairwell. 

Stupid fucking John has control of the camera settings which drives me goddamn bonkers because that is the 1st AC’s job. He’s doing things like a commercial and not like a professional narrative motion picture set because that’s what he knows. Ugh. The DP is sweet but doesn’t get THAT. My op is awesome and amazing but did playback on a day we didn’t have a sound playback person. Argh. 

I feel like my team is not on board with being supportive of others, which makes me feel like they aren’t supporting me in a situation where I feel like we are all getting a raw deal. I got real triggered and cried on set. Why?

I’m used to this feeling of being not supported. Mom supports me a bit I guess, and I shouldn’t look that gift horse in the mouth. And Alecia supports me and that’s great. My friends support me. That’s fine. None of them get this lifestyle, and that is okay too, but it’s starting to be a little frustrating that I built a life where my support network doesn’t get it. And I have Jude, but that relationship is a bit fraught from my years of the lying thing I mentioned a couple weeks back. 

I feel like I have to break up with Chris. I feel like this is related. I don’t know why either of those feelings are happening. He isn’t being what I need, but I don’t know that I am giving him much opportunity to be that either. I’ve been up his ass trying to soothe him ever since I fucked up the part where I was trying to figure out if we could be exclusive. 

I feel like for years I’ve been afraid to be who I want to be and I’ve been tiptoeing around being someone else. I feel ready to throw off that mantle and just be myself, powerful and a leader and free of the sandbags that are holding me back And that feels like all of the people I know somehow. Like I want to just start fresh. 

Maybe I should get the hell out of New York. Maybe I should just move and change my phone number and not tell anyone except the people at work. 

But the kids. Shit. Would they miss me? Probably. Especially with Laura having cancer. That would be a shitty thing to do.