a few thoughts before some more insomnia

I don’t like doing all this work on myself. I know I am in pursuit of my most true self, but Jesus Christ it feels so inauthentic and contrived. I am picking apart every negative thought or feeling and actually gathering evidence from my thoughts and trying to make a judgement call on how to live my life based on all of that, and then I top it all off with an affirmation. “I am here to show up fully, to speak up authentically.” Okay, whatever you say, Crazy. 

But here I go.

So I have not heard from Chris in two days. And the day before that he barely responded when I texted him, and didn’t make a date all week after I told him my availability very specifically. This, of course, is making my mind spiral. So we do the diligence of exploring the thoughts and feelings until we get to the bottom of the problem. 

The first thought: he is bored with me. He’s over it, he doesn’t want to see me anymore. Okay, has he said that? No. Okay, why do you think that?

Second thought: Because I ruined it. I ruined it with my silly games I learned from the stupid online dating advice, the dating other people thing and the not talking about exes bullshit. This is my fault. Why do you think that?

Thought: Because I always ruin it. Why do you think that?

Thought: Because I am broken and unloveable and no fun to be around.Why do you think that?

Because I fell for Pete and he didn’t like me back. Why? Because he did not want a relationship, which I knew going in. 

Okay well I went hard with Ben and then he broke my heart. Why? Because his kid got sick and he didn’t have room for that and for me.

Okay well even John who I didn’t really like very much didn’t like me after spending time with me. Yes, well, he is an insufferable idiot. True… but isn’t that all my fault for dating him? Why did you? Well I needed practice after Justin…

Justin. Fucking Justin. I put every egg I had in that basket for absolutely no good reason. He even told me not to and I did it anyway. He didn’t break my heart, I did, by picking another alcoholic who loved booze so much that I disappeared. No wonder I wanted to kill myself afterward, it was MY problem, MY broken bad decision making, MY fucked up inability to care for myself that led to my heartbreak. See? I’m broken. I choose bad people who can’t love me. Why did you choose him?

He chose me first. He made me feel special. I felt so un-special, so invisible, and then one day he chose me. Why did you feel those ways?

Because I am embarrassed that nobody chose me before that. Didn’t they?

mWell Lee didn’t really choose me, I chose him and he also was a shitty addict and he tried to squash me to death. Okay, I guess Steven chose me. But I fucked that up by not-actually-cheating on him with whatsisface from work. Why did you do that?

Because I felt like I am not a person who deserves someone good who treats me right.Why did you think that?

Because when I finally got away from Jon I landed with Kevin, and he rejected me. Okay so? He’s just some guy. Why did it hit you so hard?

Because when I got away from Jon I thought I’d find redemption. Redemption from what?

Redemption from the years of letting him tell me I was disgusting and horrible and mean when I tried to take alcohol away. He called me an old hag in a 24 year old body. He hit me and pushed me. Over and over again when I thought we were okay he’d go get drunk again and turn into that monster calling me a slut and a bitch and telling me the sex I wanted wasn’t normal and the career I wanted wasn’t possible and nobody else would ever want me, and then I’d take him back because I actually fucking believed him. Why did you stay for that?

Because when he was sober he loved me and I thought nobody else would ever love me. And look—I’m kind of right, isn’t this situation kind of—Stop that. Dig deeper. Why did you think nobody else would ever love you?

Because I was fat and depressed all the time. It made sense when he called me disgusting. I felt disgusting. Why?

Because I was miserable going through the motions of that mediocre life with him. Why did you do it?

Because he chose me! Okay back to this—why did you take him just because he chose you?

Because I was afraid nobody would ever choose me. This is getting circular. Go back. Why did you think that?

Okay, two people chose me before him. One of them was a 32 year old man who had no business having sex with a 17 year old girl and the other was a 12 year old when I was 11 and didn’t fully understand what he was doing to my body. They chose me. They chose me because they saw that I was broken and wanted help, and they used that to take advantage of my sexuality. Okay, what does that feel like?

Like I am bad. Broken, again. It feels like I cannot rely on other people because they will use me. It feels like men are dangerous. It feels like letting someone get close to me is dangerous. It feels like I cannot open my heart because if I do they will see that they can take advantage of me. It feels like they will see that I am not innocent, that I caused this to happen because of my brokenness. Whoa whoa whoa… let’s start with broken. Why do you think you broke?

Because he left me! Dad killed himself instead of choosing a life with me. And then after that Mom left me too. She left me every day to figure out how to live in a world of pain and grief and no parents. And I was a kid so I didn’t know how to be good, and I wound up finding bad ways to BE and look what happened—I broke. It’s my fault.

Why is it your fault?

Okay it’s not my fault. It’s nobody’s fault, it’s just what happened.

And then the people who took advantage of you?

Yeah, that’s messed up. That’s not my fault either. I was just a hurt little girl without any supervision. I’m sorry I judged that hurt little girl.

Does it still feel dangerous to open your heart and let someone get close to you? 

Yeah a little. Okay a lot. But in my head I know that it isn’t…it’s just a feeling that lives in my throat.

What would happen if you did it?

I don’t know, I guess Ben was the first time I tried, and that got cut short.

What’s the worst that could happen?

I get heartbroken again.

Okay, what’s the best way to protect yourself? Close off?

No no. I do the thing. I get on antidepressants to help even me out while I’m having these stupid anxiety attacks and I stay on them for a while in case things don’t go well and I start to freak out. I talk to my therapist and do my stupid therapy homework that I hate even though it works.

And then in the meantime I gather evidence to figure out who I can trust.

And Chris? Can you trust him?

I haven’t seen any reason not to. It feels like he has pulled away a bit, but I can’t know why unless I ask.

That’s all?

No, I also have to show up fully and speak up authentically.

Okay. Well then you know what to do.