This is all my fault. From the beginning. My fault. He is at fault too, but I didn't trust him when he gave me no reason not to...and I acted out of fear.
The whole story:
Boy asks girl out. They like each other. They spend lots of time together that first week. Girl has funny medical problem and gets confused.
I got treated for a UTI. It wasn't a UTI - turns out, he gave me HSV1, oral to genital transmission. I told him about it and he was devastated, apologetic, supportive... I was so upset, so hurt, so scared. I even asked if he had purposely withheld information, and he said absolutely not, he did not think it was something that could or would be transmitted that way (which I buy, because I hadn't thought that either), and he had no sign of an outbreak at all. It wasn't a deal breaker, it was just something we had to get through. He was with me, and I trusted him, and so it was okay. It sent my body into a spiral of other medical problems, but it was okay.
Then he had to go to ComicCon. I now understand that he considers the associated parties work, in a way that I did not then understand. I was hurt that he was spending the weekend Not With Me. I was hurt that I wasn't invited to any of the parties with him. I've never been to those parties...and the last time I heard about them was a million years ago when I was seeing Kevin and he flat rejected me after tweeting about how he had been hanging with some pretty young thing at those parties.
So I was feeling really insecure, and still feeling a little shaky about the HSV, and this nice guy I had messaged with on Bumble on and off for like six months asked me to coffee. I went. I should not have gone. I should have said "sorry, I'm seeing someone right now." I should have stood by Chris and trusted him. I should have soothed myself and said this was different than when I was 27 and hurt because I didn't understand why the first person I slept with after leaving an abusive relationship with an alcoholic didn't want to be my boyfriend.
I did not say I was seeing someone. I went on the coffee date. I didn't kiss him, it was an hour and a half during the day and we just walked around with coffee. He seemed to like me and asked me to go out again. I said maybe.
That week Chris was sweet, but he was busy and I took that to mean distant. He didn't set up a date and I couldn't understand why. He texted me something sexy and I started getting scared that all he wanted from me was sex (like X, Y and Z person I have been with). I was feeling neglected and scared that it meant he was pulling away. So I did it. I went out again with the other guy the next week. To lunch. We took a walk and salsa danced at a street festival.
I had been talking about Chris how I wanted to see him for my birthday. And on my birthday when he reached out at 5pm with a cute message that did not include the words "happy birthday" I was upset that it was too late, that he hadn't reached out to me the whole weekend, and that the message did not even say "happy birthday." The whole goddamn weekend all I wanted to do was fuck him and dance around his apartment in pretty underwear and take a bath in his big old tub, but I spent it with my friends dancing at HoY in a stupid dress that I kind of hated. It was fun. Kinda. I love my friends. Mostly I just wished I was with him.
And I was really hurt by his damn radio silence...after I had made this big deal of wanting to spend my birthday weekend with my friends...but I had kept saying my actual birthday I wanted to spend with him. So when he did finally reach out, I told him I had to go. I was busy. I had plans already. I should have told him I was hurt. I should have planned something for my birthday weekend that was accessible to him. I should have invited him to come along, not said "I don't think we're there yet" because he hadn't yet introduced me to anyone in his life...which is a thing I learned I should do from a stupid dating advice book.
The next week he finally made a plan...last minute... and we went to dinner. I was stilted. I wasn't myself. I was nervous. I thought he was pulling away and my fight or flight response was on high alert. This is when we had the aliens interaction... And I made a big mistake. I don't remember what dumb thing I fumbled out that made him ask if I was seeing other people. When I saw the look on his face I should have said "should I be?" or "I don't want to be seeing other people." What I said was (hang on while I bury my face in my hands for a sec) "Well...yeah. I told you I would be." His face absolutely fell. He looked really really shocked and disappointed. He looked like I slapped him.
I should have stopped there. I was pretty drunk...and I wanted to diffuse the situation, and I tried to make him laugh. So I said "I didn't have sex with him... I didn't even kiss him," and told him not only had I gone out on a couple daytime dates with this guy, but the guy was a grip. We went salsa dancing. He looked like he wanted to get up and walk away from me.
I kind of don't remember the rest of the night...just drunk and fumbling and scared and kind of confused and upset that he didn't say he wanted to be exclusive... I just know that somehow he still asked me to come over, and I went. Once we got to his house I fussed and hemmed and hawed about having sex, even though I had shown up wearing lingerie he'd asked me to wear. I was drunk, and I was gripped by fear that I was messing everything up (which, of course, I was, but not at all how I thought). I didn't cum. I didn't cum the next morning either...He came and then walked away from me before I could. I left my jacket at his house on accident. I left feeling bad about the sex and bad about myself. Something had changed.
For the next month it's just been this endless parade of he's too busy. He's got this. He's got that. I don't hear from him. So... I leaned in. Kept texting, kept up communication. Started feeling like I was doing all the work by myself. Finally I pleaded to get him him to agree to one drink (that was wonderful, and turned into dinner) before he went to Baltimore ComicCon, which was the big deal thing that he's been working toward all fall. It was great. We had a great time. I followed the awards and did the supportive thing all weekend. I tried really hard and it seemed like we were good.
I had to go to work. He was busy on the weekends. He was taking care of his dad, who is going through major surgeries. I tried really hard to be patient, but I was still doing all the work of reaching out and trying. I tried to be supportive and I got a message... "I just really want to fuck. Just be that."
Finally I asked to talk to him on the phone. I told him it was important. Told him some bad things were happening. He hopped to and called me right away. I told him about the bad stuff but then I had to go for a stupid work meeting. He had meetings after that. His partner was in town in the afternoon for a few hours only and he had volunteered to drive the guy to Newark from JFK. He called from the car on his way home but the dog threw up in the car. Finally he called a couple hours later. I was on my way to hang with the hashers, because I didn't want to be alone.
I said that since the night of the aliens conversation things had changed, and he said he wasn't sure what I meant. I brought up the conversation about dating other people and asked if the change had been that. I'm honestly not sure if I gave him the time or space to respond to that before I just kept word vomiting that I don't know how to do this and I want things to work with us and I really like him.... He said that it's all just that he was busy, this had been the busiest month of his life. And he didn't really get into the thing with his dad, but he did mention that "there's the guy with the hole in his head," and I took that to mean it was really weighing on him. I told him that all I really want is to see him, to touch him, to fuck and have fun...which is true. We never got to have that time, and I fucking want that time with him. I still want that time with him. Well. Now I'm crying.
Anyway. He said he wanted that too. So I said "well can I come over and kiss you?" He said no, he though he felt something that was a cold sore.
JESUS, REALLY?
He said "look, maybe it's nothing... go do your thing and reach out later and we'll see." So I went. I did my thing. I reached out. He was barely responsive...my guess is he was super high. All I got from him all night was a wtf when I texted that my job had been shut down.
And then nothing.
And then another day of nothing.
And then the second day of nothing my heart let go. I knew I couldn't keep going like this.
And then it turned into a week of nothing.
And that's when I sent the goodbye message.
The end.
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