sharing with friends

​I did real good today—I made things happen at work, I got inspired by Geoffrey to focus energy on my own project (the hands thing) and I made it to the hash after prep. They asked me to run circle, and I got great feedback from folks! My circle was long, but people said I kept folks engaged and made it interesting. We named the new Eric Bibbity Bobbity Booze—there were other contenders, but a couple people encouraged me “the hash is not a democracy!” So I did it. Nobody was sad. 

It felt good to flex my boss muscles ALL DAY. I negotiated an extra $750 I wouldn’t otherwise have had, I entertained the hashers and showed them a great old time before I leave them for six weeks, and I even phoned Chris between work and the hash to say hi just because it felt good to talk to him and for no other reason. I was disappointed that he didn’t ask to see me, but I’ve learned that if I expect him to make plans I will always be disappointed. So maybe I just don’t expect him to make plans. 

I talked with Mark a lot tonight, which felt really really good. He is going through a tough time missing his ex-lady who lives across the hall from him, and I feel for him. At the same time I was impressed that he could be so sad about that and still be supportive to me about my relationships and my personal development! It was very eye opening to see that he could have space for both his own sad and my hopeful silly worries. He encouraged me to get deeper into my vulnerability and offer to Chris that, if he is willing to make things just us, I would like to make things just us and see where it goes. I don’t know yet. I’m still scared to get that deep, but I haven’t talked to anyone else in a week and haven’t seen anyone else for a month, so maybe it’s okay to be forthright about that? 

Anyway, I won’t have time to see someone else once we start shooting this movie. But that’s not this and this is not that. This is about me being curious to get closer with Chris and A) definitely do more sex with him, because he and I seem to be very very compatible in that way and B) get a little more into his heart and who he is. 

It strikes me that he is very open with who he is, in a way that I have not been. But one thing I notice with him, that I’ve noticed with other men, is that he doesn’t ask me questions! He just talks and talks and talks and if I want to share any of myself it seems to be on me to interrupt! Maybe that means he isn’t interested in me and who I am? Maybe it means he’s nervous to find out? Maybe it means something else? I have no idea.